Ted Wilson Reviews the World #148


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Arnold the squirrel.

When I was in grammar school we had a pet squirrel in the class. Our teacher, Mr. Schafenberg had captured the squirrel on the playground. We named him Arnold because that was the name of a classmate who had died earlier in the year. Mr. Schafenberg was driving Arnold (the child) home after a track race and somehow Arnold got stabbed. The police never figured out what happened. When Mr. Schafenberg found the squirrel, he was convinced it was Arnold reincarnated.

I don’t remember a lot about Arnold the Squirrel but I found this review I wrote of him at the time. (I apologize for recycling old material.) I’ve edited only to correct spelling.

Arnold is ugly and his fur smells. He poops pellets and they look like weird raisins. Whenever I try to pet him he runs to the corner of his cage. I don’t think this is really Arnold who died. If it is dead Arnold I don’t know what his problem is. Today I got to school early and I saw Mr. Schafenberg kissing Arnold and singing to him. I don’t know why he likes this squirrel so much, it can’t even do any tricks.

Arnold the Squirrel died a few months later, coincidentally the same day Mr. Schafenberg hung himself in the gym.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Paul Simon.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →