Ted Wilson Reviews the World #151


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the toast I ate this morning.

This morning I had toast for breakfast. It was a little bit darker than I’d hoped for but still perfectly edible. When it popped out of the toaster I was surprised to see Jesus’ face on it. Then I wasn’t really that surprised because he shows up on toast all the time, so I just covered him in butter and jam and ate him up. He was delicious. It felt weird to be eating Jesus but I was too hungry to stop. I think he would have called that gluttony.

That was only the first piece of toast. The second didn’t have anyone on it. If I squinted and held the slice far away, it sort of resembled an elderly Mickey Mouse with a mustache. I put it back in the toaster for a bit to see if I could coax a better image out of it but I ended up burning it. What a disappointment.

Unfortunately, this review is about the toast, not the butter, so I can’t go into too much detail, but let me tell you: that butter was really good. So good that I relabeled the package to say “toast.” That way when I eat some of it by itself I don’t feel bad about myself.

I think Jesus didn’t like the idea of being digested because part of him clung desperately to my teeth. I didn’t find him until the afternoon, when I was flossing. I wasn’t sure if it was disrespectful to throw part of him away, but I also didn’t want to eat something that had been sitting in someone’s mouth for several hours. Gross. So, I put him in the freezer and figured I’d deal with him later. Maybe if I make croutons.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing sunlight.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →