Ted Wilson Reviews the World #154


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing salamanders.

If you’ve never seen a salamander, consider yourself lucky. (Unless it’s because you’re blind.) They are disgusting. Picture a dog that’s been stripped of all its hair, the ears have been removed, and the legs grow off the side of the body instead of the bottom. And it’s small enough to get stuck in your hair without you even knowing it. Disgusting. I don’t know why God to decided to create salamanders but he went and did it anyway.

There are lots of different types of salamanders and they vary in size. There is one called a giant salamander and it is exactly that. Well, it’s giant compared to standard salamanders but not compared to giants.

For a long time I thought salami was made from salamanders. I struggled with the duality of salami being delicious in flavor but disgusting in nature. Sort of like kopi luwak.

As gross as I find salamanders to be, I will admit that they have one cool feature, and that’s the ability to regrow lost limbs. I’ve never seen a dog do that. Not even unicorns, which are supposed to be magic, can do that. I’m not sure what unicorns are supposed to be able to do. They can’t even fly – that’s a Pegasus.

Unicorns appear in movies and on notebooks because everyone likes them. No one wants to wear a shirt with a salamander on it, and a salamander never saves the day in a story. It’s clear no one really likes them very much, and in a way I feel sorry for them.

They spend a lot of their time under rocks and leaves and things, I suppose because they know no one would want to look at them. So I guess that makes them a little bit smart. Not smart enough to do something about it though. If salamanders really wanted to be liked, growing some fluffy fur or learning to do tricks would make them more accessible and likable. I guess that would just make them dogs again.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing molars.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →