★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing stew.
I don’t know exactly how stews are made but they sure are yummy. There’s meat, vegetables, yummy broth. They pretty much have it all. They even have mystery, because they aren’t clear, so you never know if there might be something weird or gross you might pull out. It’s kind of thrilling in that way.
Because I don’t know how to make a stew, and because no one ever makes one for me, I eat a lot of Dinty Moore beef stew. I’ve had better stews, but Dinty Moore only requires a can opener and a heat source. Actually, you can eat it cold. It’s like a thick gazpacho! If you don’t have a traditional can opener, a car will work. The trick is to put the can of stew in a bucket before you drive over it, otherwise you will have to eat the stew off of the ground while nosy passersby stare at you.
The best stew I ever had I had by accident. A new friend had invited me over to his house for dinner. I showed up to the wrong house and when no one answered the door, I let myself in. I was worried he had been hurt. I yelled out, “I’m here for dinner,” as I walked around the house looking for him. He wasn’t there, so I sat down at the dining room table and noticed he had set out a stew for me.
As the police later explained, it turned out that the owner of the home saw me standing on the porch holding a knife (I always bring a steak knife when invited to dinner because I’m tired of using other people’s inferior knives). It was a big misunderstanding, but that stew I had was delicious! The old woman who made it refused to tell me the recipe.
I hired a man through the classifieds to try and recreate that stew based of my description of it. He made 21 different stews and none came close to what I had had, even though according to his advertisement, he was a “very good cooker.” Stew will forever remain a delicious mystery.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Matthew Perry.