Ted Wilson Reviews the World #156


★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing emergency socks.

Good news! 7-11 now sells emergency socks. I love to bowl, but I don’t love wearing shoes that someone before me has worn. It’s unsanitary. That’s why I had to throw away all my shoes after the time I thought my house might have been broken into.

I forgot to bring my personal bowling shoes with me to the alley but the man at the counter said I could bowl in my socks. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to wear any socks. They sell socks at the bowling alley but there was only one sock left. It was a big sock, but not big enough to fit both feet into. I’ve bowled on one leg before but that was out of necessity.

The time on my lane had already started, so I needed socks and I needed them fast. The 7-11 across the street didn’t have any socks for sale that I could find. The only possible substitutes they had were condoms, but I have poor circulation.

I explained my dilemma to the clerk, and she had the perfect solution: emergency socks. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. There was only one pair left, and she kept them behind the counter because they cost $63.84 (fortuitously, the exact amount I had on me). A bit expensive, but when it’s an emergency, what can you do?

There’s a lot to like about emergency socks. First, there’s no packaging. As an environmentalist I really appreciate this. They also come warm to the touch, as if they’ve been stored in someone’s pocket. Probably best of all, emergency socks are very fashionable! Like a pair of jeans that have been made to look worn and weathered, these socks came threadbare, with holes in the bottom and discolorations. Personally I would have preferred they cut back on the artificial foot odor. While I appreciate the dedication to authenticity, it just didn’t smell very good.

Running back to the bowling alley in my new emergency socks, I soared with confidence. When I knocked down almost all of the pins on my first try, I turned to nobody in particular and said, “It’s the socks!” Then I pointed at the socks, then looked down at them and smiled.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Egypt.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →