★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Thanksgiving, 2012.
You might be wondering how I could be reviewing something that hasn’t happened yet since Thanksgiving is still several days away. I’m neither a time-traveler nor a fortune teller. What I am is someone who has meticulously planned his upcoming Thanksgiving in an attempt to mitigate risk. I’ve done this because last year’s Thanksgiving went so poorly.
The outfit I’m going to wear will be great! I will wear a brand new pair of briefs with one of my favorite pairs of slacks and a new sweater I got that’s really sharp. I feel very confident in it. I will wear a napkin, tucked into the front of my sweater to prevent any stains from ruining the day.
Because I want to spend time with my family, but don’t want to run the risk of something unpredictable happening, I will be eating at home with a photo of them sitting across from me. Anyone who is not in the photo will have to be drawn in with pencil and anyone who can’t make it will have a piece of masking tape put over their face.
I will have them on speaker phone during my meal to make it seem as though they are there in real life. If anyone begins to say something controversial or that might cause tension, I will simply make a static noise with my mouth and say I’m losing them, then hang up. Then I will unplug the phone and turn on some Harry Belafonte.
My meal is going to be so delicious. Instead of having the traditional turkey (too many variables, potential for fire), I will simply eat a series of pies. Pumpkin, apple, and chocolate cream. Food will be served on my coffee table, so that I am able to remain motionless for the majority of the day.
When the time comes to give thanks, I have already prepared a long list to ensure no one is left out, and no one accidentally credited. I will also read the list only in my head, that way I won’t mispronounce any names.
Before anything else might go wrong, I will go to sleep. Probably around 4 PM. And I will be sure to lock my doors and set up a fake barking dog noise in case burglars attempt to break in. And just in case any do break in, I’d like sleep through it, so I will take a bunch of sleeping pills to make sure nothing can wake me up.
Please join me next week when I will be reviewing Thanksgiving, 2013.