Ted Wilson Reviews the World #162


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Thanksgiving, 2012.

Last week I reviewed Thanksgiving despite the fact that it hadn’t happened yet. Because I had planned out every detail and even created contingency plans, I’d expected it to be a very successful celebration. It was not.

To begin with, the really neat new sweater I’d hoped to wear no longer fit me. My plan of eating three pies for Thanksgiving necessitated that I practice eating a lot of test pies in order to build up my tolerance. (The last thing I wanted was to leave any pies around. I have an ant problem.)

Unfortunately, this resulted in some unexpected weight gain. Combined with my mistake of putting the sweater in the dryer to warm it up, the sweater looked less than flattering on me.

After I got over my initial disappointment, I just took the sweater off. After all, I was going to attend my family gathering over the phone, and they’d never know what I was or wasn’t wearing, unless I accidentally told them.

However, the night before, my nephew had convinced me that a computer program called Skipe was better than the phone. What he didn’t tell me, and what I didn’t learn until my Skipe rang, was that my family could also see me. I was so embarrassed to appear at the dinner table shirtless, and even more embarrassed that I’d gotten pie stuck in my chest hair.

I couldn’t figure out how to turn Skipe off, so I had to finish eating my pies in the bathroom where I was sure no one could see me.

This wasn’t at all the Thanksgiving I had planned or hoped for, but I thought it might still be salvageable, as long as no one broke into my house while I was sleeping. And no one did. But I had a dream someone did, and it was so vivid that it still had the same emotional toll as if someone really had. Except all my stuff was still there. Including half a pie that I wasn’t able to finish.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the entire history of China.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →