Ted Wilson Reviews the World #163


★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing tummies.

Tummies are where lots of things happen. Food is stored there, babies grow there, and tapeworms take up residence. For women, all of those things can happen at once. If a tapeworm and a baby happened at the same time, I’m not sure who would win. I guess it depends on how old the baby is and how hard it is to tie a tapeworm in a knot underwater and in the dark.

The tummy is also where Harry Houdini got punched, which led to his death. Other people have passed away due to tummy-related disasters, such as bullet holes and knife holes. The tummy can be a very fragile place. Take the appendix, for instance. It’s a small organ located inside the tummy that no one really understands. And sometimes it will just decide to burst, which can kill you, even though you probably didn’t do anything to deserve it.

Animals like to have their tummies rubbed. Most animals. Not turtles, because to get to their tummies you have to turn them on their back and peel off their shells. It’s kind of a mess and not worth the trouble.

I love having my tummy rubbed. I want someone to invent a tummy-rubbing shirt that rubs your tummy all day long and no one could even tell. I tried to invent this but couldn’t do it. It was a battery-powered motor that just kind of hummed and whirred and then the shirt started smoking. Someone can do a better job inventing this than me but I would like some of the profit because the idea was mine.

Right in the middle of the tummy is a belly button, and I think this is the perfect spot for it. If the belly button appeared on the face it would be kind of gross. And everyone would know instantly that I have an outtie. The belly button is created by the umbilical cord being cut off. If it was never cut off then everyone would have belly tails, which could be fun. The only people who don’t have belly buttons are angels.

Overall, tummies are pretty fantastic. That must be why every time I meet a guy named Timmy he seems so happy – because his name sounds so much like “tummy.” People automatically have a positive association with that.

The only thing I don’t like about tummies are tummy aches. Enough with the tummy aches already!

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing cabbage.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →