Ted Wilson Reviews the World #164


★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my backpack.

I own a blue backpack made by L.L. Bean. There are pockets all over it and it it’s perfect for carrying things or just making it look like I’m carrying things.

Every time I put on my backpack I feel like a camel/human hybrid or a backwards kangaroo. It’s fun to feel like an animal but sad when I take the backpack off and turn into a regular person again. I don’t ever let on to other people that I feel like I’m an animal. I don’t move differently or make animal sounds, but I still wonder if onlookers can tell.

If I pass someone else on the street who is wearing a backpack, I give he or she a knowing look to imply our mutual understanding of one another. I try not to make the look too knowing, because that other person could have almost anything in that backpack, like a human head or an undersized bale of hay. Those are things I can’t relate to.

Depending on what I put in my backpack, it can make me feel more confident. Not that I’ve ever done this, but I could put soiled undergarments in my backpack and no one except my neighbor’s dog would know my embarrassing secret. One time I had to walk through a dangerous neighborhood at night, so I put what I was told was a live wolverine in my backpack for protection. (I learned later it was only a weasel.)

If it’s hot out, my back will get sweaty where the backpack presses against it. Not only does it leave a large wet spot on my shirt, but in doing so it depletes me of moisture that my body needs. I consider this a large design flaw. It’s probably the only thing I don’t like about my backpack.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing The Hogan Family.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →