Ted Wilson Reviews the World #167


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my microwave.

Microwaves are great for a lot of things: heating food, reheating food, melting crayons, making water from ice, performing scientific experiments on insects, and so forth.

Although there is a solid science behind microwaves, I’m not going to pretend to understand it. Based on the name, I guess these machines produce very small waves of heat, similar to an oven but still very different or something.

It’s a mystery how mankind was able to survive for so many millenia without microwaves. How was Chinese take-out reheated 100 years ago? I honestly don’t know.

My microwave is not top-of-the-line but it still gets the job done. I put in some food, turn the dial to the most appropriate food icon, and a while later it’s too hot to eat! What more could I want?

I love the giant push button that makes the door pop open. I don’t know why all doors don’t have buttons like that. I could probably clean up if I invented a car door with a big push button. (NOTE: If you are an employee of the auto industry, please do not steal this idea.)

The coolest part of my microwave is the spinning plate. Sometimes I turn the microwave on without anything in it just so I can watch that plate spin around. It’s mesmerizing, like a dog chasing its tail. If there were a way to supe up my microwave, maybe attach it to my fridge somehow, I’ll bet I could get that plate spinning fast enough that it shoots right off the thing.

I once rigged my microwave to run with the door open. I thought this would be a more efficient way of heating my house. I didn’t notice an increase in temperature, only some red boils on my skin. I think the problem was I needed a bigger microwave.

There are some downsides to my microwave. For instance, it’s really heavy. I once went to a potluck picnic and wanted to serve my dish warm, so I brought my microwave. Lugging that thing down my stairs, getting it into my car, and then dragging it across the park took over an hour!

Another downside is my microwave requires electricity to operate. I didn’t realize this when I brought my microwave to the park. I thought that if I spun the plate inside the microwave by hand it would have the same effect. This wasn’t the case. I ended up having to heat my dish by putting it under the hood of my car and running the engine for a while. My microwave was utterly useless.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Milton Berle.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →