Ted Wilson Reviews the World #168


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing marshmallows.

Probably the most famous marshmallow is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the Ghostbusters movie. While he remained delicious, he was also pure evil and a bit terrifying. Between his scary face and the time I accidentally put too many marshmallows in my mouth at once and almost suffocated, I had to take a break from the wonder of marshmallows for a while.

In that time, I discovered some non-food uses. For instance, if your pillow slips out of the pillowcase and falls under the bed where you can’t reach it, you can fill your pillowcase with marshmallows. Instant pillow. Or if you want to have an indoor snowball fight in the middle of summertime. Marshmallows are extremely versatile. I’ve never had to test this theory, but I suspect they could be used to plug a hole on a ship that’s taking on water. But really, marshmallows are best for eating.

One of the neat things about marshmallows is that if you don’t chew them, and instead sort of just inhale/swallow them, they will take up a lot of room in your stomach and make you feel full, quickly. It’s a new diet that I thought of and I’m calling it the Marshmallow Diet. (I will soon be selling this diet plan to people nationwide.)

My most favorite sandwich is called a peanut butter and fluff sandwich. The fluff ingredient is called Marshmallow Fluff and it presumably features marshmallows as a main ingredient. I wrote to the Fluff corporation to ask for their recipe but they declined to divulge it. I may have to buy the company in order to find out their secrets but I need to look into that first. I’m not sure how much companies cost but I think it’s a lot.

It’s always seemed a little bit racist that marshmallows only ever came in white. But then when I tried making black marshmallows, it was explained to me that that was racist. Especially the way that I was making them. In that way marshmallows are a lose/lose kind of thing I guess.

The name marshmallow could be improved. Most people don’t like marshes, and who knows what a mallow is. If it were up to me I would have invented the name bernicepies (after Bernice, the first girl I ever had a crush on, and after pies, my favorite dessert next to marshmallows).

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing race cars.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →