Ted Wilson Reviews the World #171


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing bear attacks.

I’ve never been attacked by a bear, fortunately. Only raccoons. And asthma. And once by a rag-covered drifter. But I don’t need to be attacked by a bear to know I don’t want to be.

I don’t even enjoy bear hugs. Regular hugs are fantastic, but bear hugs are awkward and constricting. A bear attack would be that but with claws and cutting and fur in your face and maybe some angry bear drool dripping onto your face. Yuck.

Even if you survive the bear attack, you run the risk of getting a tick. And if the tick bites you, you could get Lyme disease.

I once rented cabin in the woods and when I opened the door I discovered a bearskin rug on the floor. If a bear walked past the window and spotted me reading a book with a dead bear on the floor, there’s no doubt in my mind that the non-dead bear would crash through the window to enact revenge. I turned right around and went home.

There are a lot of suggestions for how to deal with an imminent bear attack. Some people suggest you curl up like a wimp. Others suggest you carry bear mace (not to be confused with deer mice). My solution is much simpler, effective, and just plain fun.

I’m currently working on Pop-a-Bear™ (patent pending). It’s a small, soda can-sized container. If a bear charges, simply pull the tab off the top and in seconds an enormous, inflatable bear springs forth as a roaring sound is emitted from the can.

The attacking bear will be distracted not only by the fake bear, but by it’s apparent ability to grow in size. Normal bears don’t have this ability (well, they can do it, but it’s a slow process that takes years), so the real bear will become very confused. Possibly aroused. While the bear is dealing with all that, you simply stroll away. At the bottom of the can is a stick of gum and a collectible trading card so you can forget all about the big scary bear.

With my invention, campers and hikers will no longer have to worry about leaving their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches out or wanting to pet baby bears. Fatal bear attacks will become a thing of the past. I’m not sure what percentage of human flesh comprises the bear population’s diet, but if it’s substantial, we would see an overall declination in the number of bears.

This could ruin the bearskin rug industry but I think it’s worth it if it saves human lives. If you are interested in distributing, manufacturing, or doing some Pop-a-Bear™ cross promotion, email me at your earliest convenience.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing silk.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →