Ted Wilson Reviews the World #173


★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing wet naps.

Wet naps (not to be confused with wet dreams) are basically just pre-moistened napkins. Most people only need dry napkins but the wet nap is designed with the slob in mind. This is exactly why I refuse to use wet naps – they make me look like someone who can’t manage to eat his meal without making a mess. That’s not who I am. Or if it is who I am, I don’t want people to know about it.

Instead, I will use a regular napkin, and if I really need it to be moist, I will surreptitiously put it in my mouth for a couple of minutes. The easiest way to do this is to pretend to drop something, and when you reach down to retrieve it, shove the napkin in your mouth. This must be timed carefully, in anticipation of a two-minute period where you will not be required to speak. When the napkin is fully moistened, drop something again, or cough the napkin into your hand.

The best way to avoid even having to use a wet nap is to order thoughtfully. If the options are salad or sloppy joe, choose the salad. BUT, only do so after making sure the salad isn’t drenched in dressing. If you have to eat barbeque, don’t use your hands. Just bend down and eat directly off your plate.

If you do find yourself having to use a wet nap, expect a few things. The opening of the wet nap packaging will create a loud, crinkling noise, and many people will turn to look at you and the mess you’ve made. Also, the wet nap will never be as large as you want it to be. In fact, it will prove almost useless because of it’s diminutive size and you will likely need a second.

It’s unclear what has been used to give the wet nap its wetness. It may be simply water or it may also be a cancer-causing chemical. I don’t know this for certain, and I would hate for myself or The Rumpus to be threatened with a lawsuit, but all I’m saying is there is a chance wet naps cause cancer.

If you’re using a wet nap in a secluded area, be sure the moistness does not come from chloroform. A kidnapper may have switched your wet nap and be waiting for you to make a mess on yourself. Then, when you accidentally chloroform yourself, he will strike.

These are only some of the dangers associated with wet naps. That’s why I have started a petition to end wet naps. I urge you to please click on the button which equals you signing it. (I wanted to sign it myself but I couldn’t figure out how, so if anybody wants to sign it on my behalf I would appreciate that.)

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Gates McFadden.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →