★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
As me, I am one of the things in the world, and so I must review myself. However, there is also the obvious ethical conflict in doing so. That is why I solicited reviews of myself via The Become Ted Wilson Contest. After all, who would know me better than my readers?
The following review was written by Garth Beyer. I’m trusting that he’s real, but his name is an anagram of “Gyrate Herb” which seems suspicious to me. His review didn’t specify how many stars he would give me, so I’m assuming five out of five is the preferred rating.
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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Ted Wilson.
When I first read his name, I thought to myself, “sounds like a brilliant fool.” It’s a contradiction, of course, but a spot-on one. It’s much like the idea behind God telling Abraham to kill his son Isaac, but also promising him that Isaac would have many descendants, growing into a great nation. Ted is the epitome of believing two contradictive things at once. I hated that.
Of course, I had to Google the guy. Turns out I was wrong in my assumptions. Ted Wilson is actually the director of the Hinckley Institute of Politics at the University of Utah. Then I asked myself why would the 30th mayor of Salt Lake City, Utah and director of politics be writing such outlandish pieces of work. This guy is idolized too much, senile, or creative. I’m thinking it’s a combination of the first two.
After reading a few more of his writings, I knew it wasn’t the same guy. Running through all the Ted’s in my head, I checked off Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Ted Wilson the current President of the General Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist Church (which would explain the religious analogy), and I don’t believe it is the same Ted Wilson that I met on the corner of the street seven months ago.
I set out to prove that Ted Wilson, like Sasquatch, was real. However, it seems that there are many more people who are not the actual Ted Wilson, than those who are the actual Ted Wilson. And given that the closest picture I could find to the “real” Ted Wilson was some goofy dog caricature that looks like someone spent 20 minutes in Paint, here is my conclusion:
It’s easy to review things that are as they are, but much harder to review things that are not as they appear. The Rumpus says he was an accountant for over 40 years at Rockville Insura-Best, Inc. Television says he’s a lonesome guy hitting his 30s, still looking for love. Maryland says he’s a Pastor. I say he’s a cartoon. So who really is Ted Wilson?
Maybe you’re Ted and you don’t know it yet. Maybe we become Ted when we visit his website. Maybe Ted is all around us. Then again, maybe not. But what I do know is that he loves hippos and that’s good enough for me.
Please join me next month when I’ll be reviewing a human embryo.