Ted Wilson Reviews the World #213


★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Monster Energy Drink.

Monster Energy Drink is a delicious beverage that would make the perfect stocking stuffer this holiday season. Or a case of it would make the perfect gift sitting underneath the tree or next to the menorah.

If you’re thinking Monster Energy Drink is only intended for monsters, you’re mistaken. Yes, of course Bigfoot or Nessy or a ghost would enjoy this drink, but so would a paperboy or a grandmother. This drink is perfect for anyone who wants to enjoy a delicious flavor while increasing his or her productivity and enjoying life to it’s fullest. It’s the official drink of Santa!

When Monster Energy Company contacted me and asked me to write this review I said I could do it only if they didn’t pay me because that would be unethical. They said no problem. I appreciated their strict adherence to the ethics of journalism. It made them seem like real stand-up people.

My initial review was not going to be as favorable because the flavor by itself is pretty unbearable, but then I discovered a great recipe that is one part Monster Energy Drink and 24 parts strawberry soda. It’s an easy recipe that anyone can make at home.

With the Monster Energy Drink so diluted, this requires you drink at least 3-4 gallons to get the equivalent amount of energy-inducing molecules. This may sound like a lot to drink. Maybe even too much. And I’ll be honest, it’s not easy but it’s definitely worth it. I was able to stay up for three days straight drinking 3-4 gallons every six hours. I felt horrible and was unable to eat but I got so much stuff done! Let’s see a tuna fish sandwich keep you awake for three days.

It made me feel like I was young again. As if a beast had been unleashed inside me. That’s the phrase they asked me to use and that’s exactly how I felt when the effects of the drink wore off I crashed. At first I became very angry at my goldfish, then I started singing uncontrollably, and then the next thing I knew I woke up in my bed and it was ten days later. I know I wasn’t asleep for the ten days because there were several entries in my diary. Unfortunately none of them were legible.

It’s not Monster Energy Drink’s fault that I crashed. It’s my fault for not continuing to drink it.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing all of the sand.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →