(via Jezebel)

Things would’ve gone better for Juliet if only she’d had a Sassy Gay Friend.

The best part of editing the Funny Women column is developing e-mail relationships with various women. (Did I say various? I meant you. Only you.)

Sabrina Veroczi of Booby Hatch* is my new jam. Booby Hatch is an all-female sketch comedy group that recently performed their 3-woman, 1-man show, “Cone of Silence,” at the Upright Citizen Brigade’s Theatre in NYC. …more

First, abandon everyone you know and love. Say goodbye to friends, lovers, would-be lovers, American cheese, and sanity. You don’t need these things in San Francisco. You need isolation. You need Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. You need Saturday nights writing in your blog. This is the required pain and suffering. This is only for starters.

You come to San Francisco to be a writer, just like everyone else. …more

Some people say men aren’t funny. In her memoir I Don’t Care About Your Band, comedienne Julie Klausner says it a few times: (1) “I was tired of pretending I thought he was funny”; (2) “I knew I was funnier and smarter than [insert man's name here].”

Here are a few things to know about Julie Klausner that will help you get the most out of this interview: …more

“Neil’s Heavy Concept Album.”

More from the annals of advertising.

Read about it and see video here, thanks to Evan Karp of The SF Examiner.

He condenses the whole night: ”I think everyone had fun. I know I did. The main thing is to raise awareness of the site, I think, because I really am finding it more and more invaluable; and to raise money for Isaac, so the site can continue to grow and provide even more of a service to those of us who care about literary culture. . . .

“And, if you haven’t had a chance to check out a Monthly Rumpus yet, join me on Monday, February 8. Special guest Daniel Handler has just been announced.”

In March of 2009, I wrote to Elaine Showalter on behalf of The Rumpus, saying she inspired me as a writer, editor, and feminist. She agreed to an interview, the focus of which would be her latest book, A Jury of Her Peers. Ranging from the instigators to contemporary innovators, Jury is the first (yeah, first) history of American women writers. …more

If you enjoy The Rumpus Funny Women column, follow it on Twitter.

Ann Friedman is one of the editors of my favorite feminist blog, feministing, where she writes the Weekly Feminist Reader (“I know what I’m looking forward to doing this holiday season? Putting on my finest party dress, lying down on the floor, and lovingly stroking all the cleaning devices I’ve been given!”).

Friedman is reliably witty, sharp, and someone with whom I’d like to grab a drink. I imagine if we did, it would go something like this (her responses are real quotations from her articles): …more

Season’s Greetings everyone!

…more

One of the funniest women on Internet–actually, one of the funniest women alive–is D.E. Rasso, did you know? Thanks to Maud Newton now I know. I really love Maud Newton.

The important National Review recently discussed D.E. Rasso and her feminist ideals/emotional causalities at the hand of a commitment-free sex-having abusive man child: …more

To start a revolution, we need more than just a column.

Occasionally we’d like to link to particularly hysterical funny women all over the Internet.

Edith Zimmerman at The Awl makes me laugh. Below is an excerpt from her column, Letters to the Editors of Women’s Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman:

“As a teenager I always wore baggy clothes—I was considered a tomboy. Once I started reading InStyle, I was finally able to put together my current classy look. Not only do you show great fashion and beauty ideas, but you tell the reader how to get them for herself. That’s why I love this magazine.
Garima S., via instyle.com (InStyle, November 2009)

As a teenager I used to put a toilet paper roll in my underwear and tell people I had a dick. I don’t do it as much anymore, but sometimes I still do it.
Charlotte T., Kansas City”

Read all the letters.

**

Send your links and submissions to funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

Tina Fey once said, “I think we can all agree that it’s a great time to be a lady in America, and not just because of that new yogurt that helps you poop. Although, on the serious, thank you for that yogurt. Now let’s take a look at the stories affecting your daughters and mothers and the grouchy ladies in your office this week.”

In I Guess Women Aren’t That Good at Writing After All, a blog post to 5,000 members of She Writes, Kamy Wicoff says: ”We write fiction, we write memoir, we write scifi; we are bestsellers, we are award winners, we are just starting out; we are working hard, we are writing well; we are . . . not as good at it as men are.” …more

Me
I verb you.

Him
I similarly feel for you in this way, but I’ll never say the word verb in front of you or even behind your back to my friends. I have feelings only sometimes, and only when I feel like it. …more

Here.

You’ll notice a few more helpful directives and corrected spellings.

Tom Sales recently wrote an article for the Washington Post about the female cast members of Saturday Night Live. He says things like: …more

Dear writers and readers,

Finally! The inaugural post for the new Rumpus column Funny Women can be read here.

This is just the beginning. You, the writers and readers, will be generating the content each week.

I’ll keep the Funny Women Submission Guidelines updated to reflect why I’m choosing the pieces I’m choosing. Of course, every one of you is special and unique and funny, but …more

By the end of my last “relationship,” we had so few words left for each other. How many other ways could we say, “I’m sorry” or “I unlove you” or “fuck you”? We used up all the words we knew until we chose silence over reiteration.

The Oxford English Dictionary is trying to solve this problem and save the words.

Why words are important: “Words are the cornerstone of language. The more words we have, the richer our vocabulary. Words allow us to communicate precisely. Without the right word to describe something, well . . . we’d be speechless.”

The other night I saw a movie with a friend. I wanted to discuss my thoughts and I asked, “So, was it like The Daily Show or Fox News?” He said, “I think it’s more like the movie Independence Day.” It was clear we had run out of words and communication had become a less-interesting system of comparison. Something is like something else because it’s getting harder to say something is . . . what exactly?

How to change this: …more

First, watch this: Hamlet 2 preview (pay special attention around the 49-second mark).

Steve Coogan, playing Dana Marschz, beautifully captures the life of a writer in the overshadowed and under-acclaimed Hamlet 2 when he laments, “Oh my god, writing is so hard!”

Joseph Epstein in “Blood, Sweat, and Words” also considers this issue. ”Some writers like to make a show of their struggle, thereby demonstrating just how great their own grit is. Perhaps the most famous among them was Gustave Flaubert, who wrote letter after letter to his mistress Louise Colet, groaning about the difficulties he encountered in composition: struggling all day over a paragraph, achieving no more than a single page after a full week at his desk. Would, one wonders, a wife have put up with so much complaining?” One does wonder about that wife, doesn’t one? …more

Dear Writers,

So, you’ve decided you’re a woman and would like to submit something funny to Funny Women, the Rumpus column that will alter the landscape of comedy, enhance cup size, and cure frigidity. Out of all the decisions in the world, this is the best one you can make.

Send all entries to funnywomen@therumpus.net.

Deadline:
Rolling/infinity. Never stop writing. This is a column, not a contest (contests end), so please submit often.

Length:
Please keep in mind this is the Internet; so make it short, sweetheart. By “Internet” and “short,” I mean the ideal piece is between 500 and 1,000 words.

Content:
What you submit doesn’t need to be true/factual/personally ruinous. It has to be funny. Also, just because you are a woman and I am asking for funny women, does not mean that you need to write an ironic women’s issues piece. I encourage you not to follow the familiar scripts. We’re starting a revolution after all, so that means change.

Cover letters:
Not necessary, but why not tell me a little about yourself and throw some compliments my way? I’m in this for more than the submissions; I’m aim to create a community of women writers, and doing so means getting to know each other.

Attachments:
I feel about Word documents as I feel about relationships with sketchy men: no attachments, please. Paste your entire piece into the e-mail message.

Formatting:
Please don’t do any tricked-out formatting with fonts that look like handwriting or tell me something about your personality. Keep it simple and readable.

To include in your e-mail:
Title of submission, your name, e-mail address, Web site (if you have one), and favorite book written by a woman.

Each submission should look like this:
“How to Break Up with That Fucktaco in One Week or Less”
By Elissa Bassist
funnywomen@therumpus.net
www.elissabassist.com
The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath (no, wait, no: Anagrams, by Lorrie Moore)

Subject line of your e-mail:
Any variation on “Funny Women” is best. I worry that subject lines containing the title of the piece (if you are a dirty bird) may end up in a spam folder. An example of this might be: “My Humiliating Sexual Experience.”

Author bios:
Please, please! I want you to be famous and appreciated and extolled; I really do.

Previously published work:
I think this is illegal. I prefer original pieces over archived blog entries.

Payment:
The compensation is extravagant: pride in knowing you contributed to the diverse canon of women’s writing + changing the world’s mind about who’s funny. Your heart will swell with accomplishment and all cellulite: gone. (NB: My mission is to one day pay writers. Most of us have accepted that we’re never going to get paid for what we do, while what we do is valuable work. Fuck you, Internet.)

Response time:
I’ll have anxiety dreams if I don’t get back to you soon. But please understand this project takes due diligence. The response time will vary between two minutes and two months. Forgive me. Have patience with me. Rome (run by women) won’t be built in a day.

Reasons you might not hear back:
None. I’m not a bitch. If you don’t hear back after three-four months, then I didn’t get your e-mail. Send it again, please. (I’m embarrassingly behind on reading submissions because life got in the way. Don’t take it personally–as I have done.)

Some reasons I might not choose your piece to appear on Funny Women:
You write a poem. I don’t feel I can adequately judge poetry.
You send me a list. These are funny, I agree, but it’s just not the right time.
You send me an illustration/comic/piece under 10 words.
You use irony in the wrong way.
You begin a piece: “This is not a love story.”
Alternatively, you begin a piece: “This is a love story.”
You have ten or more grammar mistakes.
You are overly graphic and inappropriate. Talking about vaginas is cool, but there is a line, you know? Use your judgement.
You are overtly sexist. (I know, I know, but taking down men to uplift women is the wrong way to go about things.)
You think you are saying something feminist, but you’re really saying something racist.
You don’t adhere to what I’ve said above.
Maybe I am a bitch.
Your submission is not a humor submission.
You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.

Please direct any additional questions/snide remarks/plans for revolution to: funnywomen@therumpus.net.

Please visit www.elissabassist.com if you’re interested in what I look like.

I have been thinking a lot about funny women.

I’m going to tell you what’s good before I tell you what’s very, very bad. …more

Were you at August’s Monthly Rumpus? Look at how much fun you had here.

Were you not at August’s Monthly Rumpus? Look at a projection of how much fun you could have in September.

We hope to see you then.

I have read Kafka’s letters and Flaubert’s letters and Jane Austen’s letters. These authors are a part of my “adult” life.

But I haven’t read the letters of authors who made the distinction between childhood and adulthood.

There is a new publication coming out that collects Roald Dahl’s letters. “Roald Dahl” is really more like “roalddahl” to me—one word, and not the first name and last name of a person. Apparently he wrote about real things, “everything from politics and illness to sex, marriage and why he started writing.” HE WROTE ABOUT SEX QUESTION MARK. Not only about giants, witches, and magically precocious girls?

I remember the place (Mrs. Robin’s second-grade classroom with looms and a hamster named Rainy Day [Something] Sunshine Maybe Hey Baby), my position on the floor (cross legged and leaning), and my best friend sitting next to me (Clare Swanson) the first time I read “scrumdiddlyumptious” and felt the resonance of language.

When I think about good books, I think about this:

-Never read a bad book/book you don’t like 50 pages in; it’s wasteful.

-You will die someday; read accordingly.

-Reading aloud among friends can be [insert the best adjective you know]; not reading aloud among friends is also very good.

-Books, smart ones, particularly those prescribed by my favorite authors (see below), can make life manageable–better even, than life feels at 9am or 6pm or 11pm. They can get you through the day, is what I’m saying. They can give a bad day a much better feel. They can make you smarter when your day job suggests you’re lackluster.

You are not lackluster.

I have a new Infinite Summer proposition: let’s read all the good books for the rest of our lives.

You’ll find a lot of them herein:

Donald Barthelme’s Syllabus

Zadie Smith’s Syllabus

David Foster Wallace’s Syllabus

***

See also: A Reading List as Suggested Posthumously by David Foster Wallace

In the upcoming New Yorker, Rebecca Mead writes about Edith Wharton’s letters to her governess, Anna Bahlmann. “Wharton had requested that her letters be destroyed, but Bahlmann’s family ignored her wishes and, for the past ninety years, their correspondence sat in storage. On Wednesday, June 24th, the letters—which have not been seen until now—will be up for auction at Christie’s.”

The New Yorker website offers a slide show of the letters, which “reveal that the governess was a significant mentor and a greater intellectual companion than Wharton, in her retrospective self-fashioning, cared to remember.”

In addition to being one of the greatest writers the world will ever know, Wharton also had superb handwriting.

In “The Death of Macho,” Reihan Salam says “the era of male dominance is coming to an end.” Finally! …more

Ron Charles of the Washington Post reports on Electric Literature, a new bi-monthly magazine that is making lit. mags differently. I’ve noted five lessons about publishing via Electric Literature’s watershed model:

“Amid all the dismal reports about the death of fiction, here’s a refreshingly bold act of optimism: a new bimonthly magazine” that for each issue prints “five great stories that grab you” (1: publish strong content). …more

“Why are men, taken on average and as a whole, funnier than women?” inquired Christopher Hitchens in “Why Women Aren’t Funny,” Vanity Fair, January 2007.

That’s a good question. And by that I mean, fuck you. …more

Infinite Summer is a Web site presenting the world with the following challenge/life-better-maker:

“Read Infinite Jest over the summer of 2009, June 21st to September 22nd. A thousand pages ÷ 92 days = 75 pages a week.” Plus endnotes.

The site features notable participants and four guides/writers, “who have never before read Infinite Jest [and] will do so for the duration of Infinite Summer. And each will be posting here weekly, not only to report on their thoughts and progress, but also to promote and facilitate discussion.” Their names: Matthew Baldwin, Eden M. Kennedy, Kevin Guilfoile, and Avery Edison. There will be some guest guides as well. (P.S. I’m available.)

There are no rules, except mandatory bragging with your completion of the novel.

Do this. It’s doable. Even if you don’t, read the book some other season.

Buy IJ here: Powell’s Books