Every single time I go to a party, or, at least, like once every fifty parties, someone will approach me and say, “You sure do write about sex a lot, Steve. Any advice?”
I usually tell them that I don’t write about sex, I write about desire and heartbreak and I can’t believe someone as intelligent-looking as him/her would reduce my art to lurid gymnastics. Then I ask for money.
This never works.
Thus, in the general interest of preventing more bad sex writing from entering the cultural jetstream and absolutely free of charge, I offer my 12-Step Program for Writing Incredibly Hot Sex Scenes:
Step 1
Never compare a woman’s nipples to:
a) Cherries
b) Cherry pies
c) Pencil erasers
d) Frankenstein bolts
Nipples are tricky. They come in all shapes and sizes and shades. They do not, as a rule, look like much of anything, aside from nipples. So resist making dumbshit comparisons. (Note: I am guilty of the last.)
Step 2
Never, ever use the words “penis” or “vagina”
There is no surer way to kill the erotic buzz than to use these terms, which call to mind –my mind, at least- health classes (in the best instance) and (in the worst instance) venereal disease.
As a rule, in fact, there is often no reason at all to name the genitals. Consider the following sentence:
“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for my penis.”
Now consider this alternative:
“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for me.”
Is there any real doubt as to where this particular horndoggle is reaching?
Step 3
Resist the temptation to use genital euphemisms, unless you are trying to be funny
No: Tunnel of Love, Candy Shop, Secret Garden, Pleasure Gate
Equally No: Flesh Kabob, Manmeat, Tube Steak, Magic Wand
Especially No: Hairy Taco, Sperm Puppet
I could go on, but only for my own amusement.
Step 4
Then again, sometimes sex is funny
And if you ever saw a videotape of yourself in action, you’d agree. What an absurd arrangement. Don’t be afraid to portray these comic aspects. If one of your characters, in a dire moment of passion, hits a note that sounds eerily like Celine Dion, duly note this. If another can’t stay hard, allow him to use a ponytail holder for an improvised cock ring. And later on, if his daughter comes home and picks up his ponytail holder from his bedside table and starts absently chewing at the thing, well, so be it.
Step 5
Real people do not talk in porn clichés
They do not say: “Give it to me, big boy.”
They do not say: “Suck it baby. That’s right, all the way down.”
They do not say: “Yes, deeper, harder deeper! Oh baby, oh Christ yes!”
At least, they do not say these things to me.
Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny things during sex, such as “I think I’m losing circulation” and “I’ve got a cramp in my foot” and “Oh, sorry!” and “Did you come already? God damn it!”
Step 6
Use all the senses
The cool thing about sex –aside from it’s being, uh, sex- is that it engages all five senses. So don’t ignore the more subtle cues. Give us the scents and the tastes and the sounds of the act. And stay away from the obvious ones. By which I mean that I’d take a sweet, embarrassed pussyfart over a shuddering moan any day.
You may quote me.
Step 7
Don’t obsess over the rude parts
Sex is inherently over the top. Just telling the reader that two (or more) people are balling will automatically direct us toward the genitals. It is your job, as an author, to direct us elsewhere, to the more inimitable secrets of the naked body. Give us the reddened stubble in the crease of a debutante’s groin, or the minute trembling of a banker’s underlip.
Step 8
Stop actually having sex
This is very important. Remember that the sexiest thing about sex is really desire, which is just a fancy word for not getting laid.
Step 9
It takes a long time to make a woman come
I speak here from experience. So please don’t try to sell us on the notion that a man can enter a woman, elicit a shuddering moan or two, and bring her off. No sale. In fact, I’d steer clear of announcing orgasms at all. Rarely, in my experience, do men or women announce their orgasms. They simply have them. Their bodies are taken up by sensation and heaved about in various ways. Describe the heaving.
Step 10
It is okay to get aroused by our own sex scenes
In fact, it’s pretty much required. Remember, the intent of any effective scene is to evoke in the reader the feeling state of your characters, including the aroused states. And you’re not likely to accomplish this unless you, yourself, are feeling the same delicious tremors. You should be imagining what you’re writing and—whether with one hand or two—transcribing the details.
Step 11
Contrary to popular belief, people think during sex
The body does its happy labor during sex, but the mind works overtime. And just what do people think about? Laundry. Bioterrorism. Old lovers. Sex isn’t just the physical process. The thoughts that accompany the act are just as significant (more so, actually) than the gymnastics.
Step 12
If you ain’t prepared to rock, don’t roll
If you don’t feel comfortable writing about sex, then don’t. By this, I mean writing about sex as it actually exists, in the real world, as an ecstatic, terrifying, and, above all, deeply emotional process. Real sex is compelling to read about because the participants are so vulnerable. When the time comes to get naked, we are all terribly excited and frightened and hopeful and doubtful, usually at the same time. You mustn’t abandon your characters in their time of need. You mustn’t make of them naked playthings with rubbery parts. You must love them, wholly and without shame, as they go about their human calling. Because we’ve already got a name for sex without the emotional content: It’s called pornography.
Bonus step!
Step 13
Read the Song of Songs
The Song of Songs, for those of you who haven’t read the Bible in a while, is a long erotic poem that somehow got smuggled into the Old Testament. It is the single most instructive document you can read if you want to learn how to write effectively about the nature of physical love.
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Art by John Wesley.
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This is a Rumpus Reprint and was published originally in (Not That You Asked).
23 responses
See, it’s for stuff like this that you guys really need a “print” button that formats your posts for the page. Yeah, sure, you’re a web journal of wonderful stuff, but damn it, I’d like to save some of this stuff for off-line reading and perpetual enjoyment. Or at least saving as a PDF in DEVONThink for future reference.
Love it. I took notes! (Not during sex, but during the… oh, never mind.)
I think the burning question we probably all have, re step 3, is whether or not it’s ok to make reference to a hot beef injection.
I totally agree. We could probably do that but it would cost $100 to pay the web designer. So if you guys donate $100 we’ll do it.
I and 100 of my Web cohorts will each donate $1. Promise!
Till you get the print button, try this:
http://lab.arc90.com/experiments/readability/
It works pretty well.
Too much talking about printing. Not enough laughing, and I couldn’t stop.
Maggie, I totally agree. What a funny damn piece!
Ditto.
But in the Fermata by Nicholson Baker almost none of these rules apply and yet, somehow, it’s an awesome book.
I didn’t love The Fermata, but maybe I would like it if I read it today. Human Smoke is one of my favorite books.
a lot of these steps really irritated me- the only worth noting was step 9, “It takes a long time to make a woman come.”
according to whom? the man who wrote this article? its opinions like this, expressed like this, from a male about a woman’s sexuality, as if it were fact, that are annoying. the author of this may not announce his orgasms, nor the women he fucks, but this generalization is really stupid. joke or not, i think most people can agree or at least recognize that most sexism is latent and this is a lovely example of just that. a man using his own experience to describe a woman’s orgasmic capacity as if it were a biological fact. as a woman, this is annoying to see on a website i frequently relate to and trust.
this column was just another example of boring heteronormative male middle american sexuality that media is already flooded with.
Kendra,
I think what Steve was getting at was that in much “erotic” writing (i.e. Penthouse Letters and the like), women are generally depicted as being ready to explode at the merest touch of the penis, which is generally untrue. It’s also generally untrue of men. So when Steve says “it takes a long time to make a woman come,” he’s resisting the male fantasy tradition that all it takes is a guy getting his rod out, jamming into a woman, and she’s immediately in the throes of continuous orgasm. How is that sexist, latent or otherwise?
Steve Almond is hilarious. Def read his essay collection. And Stephen Elliott, why does it always have to be about money? With that said, I will also donate a $1 to The Rumpus to create the Print function.
As someone who reads dozens if not hundreds of sex manuscripts every year:
Yes on #3. In spades. I keep a running list of Bad Genital Euphemisms, which I will not reproduce here out of respect for the creators thereof — but suffice it to say that a) they’re appalling and b) nothing will make me chuck a manuscript in the general direction of a trash can faster.
No on #10. It’s OK if you’re aroused during the first draft, but if you’re still aroused by the third or fourth, your internal editor is living in the wrong part of your body. In fact, I’d change #10 to read: If it still turns you on, you haven’t been working on it long enough.
And an addition, which you hint at but don’t say explicitly: Step 14. If it doesn’t terrify you to write, you’re not digging deep enough. (That’s actually true of all personal writing, not just sex writing — but it’s especially true of sex writing.)
I had 12 orgasms while reading this, and then I had a 13th, bonus one.
May I be bold enough to suggest a 14th rule: Never name a character “Vans Deferens.”
This was really helpful, of course ever since I saw your reading at the University of Idaho I’ve taken your writing as like the bible. I really like your writing style. I actually wrote my Imitation essay imitation “Candy Freak”. Thanks for the great writing advice all around.
Wow that helped a lot, thank you! I needed some advice on my writings and that was really what i needed!!
@ Kendra: Isn’t the notion that all it takes is one thrust from any warm and rigid penis to make a woman come more sexist than the concept that a pair of people engaged in the act may actually have to work to get each other off? As a woman who is in no way the type to cowtow to chauvanist prigs, I read this article and laughed out loud. Then I read your comment and sighed heavily, knowing that women who lack any sense of humor about themselves or others and believe that any type of joke about sexuality is a personal attack on women, is why all the comedy is left to the “heteronormative males”.
Hello, I really don’t mean to be rude, I enjoy this piece, but I have a slight problem with step five.
“Step 5
Real people do not talk in porn clichés
They do not say: “Give it to me, big boy.â€
They do not say: “Suck it baby. That’s right, all the way down.â€
They do not say: “Yes, deeper, harder deeper! Oh baby, oh Christ yes!â€
At least, they do not say these things to me.”
My boyfriend and I say these kinds of things (along with copious “I love you’s; and profanities), not on purpose, just an in the moment thing. Just because no one says these things to you doesn’t mean no body says them. C’mon, they’re cliches for a reason.
I would just like to say that in real life I have heard many times he words, “I am going to cum” and then the person did. I even do this quite often. I also disagree that people don’t say, “Yes, deeper, harder deeper! Oh baby, oh Christ yes!†Because I personally have said those things on more than one occasion. No, not always, and it was usually when it was with someone new and exciting. Boring sex talk usually comes later when you know the person better. Just saying, your rules are not rules.
i would just like to say this was very helpful i am just starting out with my first book with a possibility of 6 that will follow it, and it is great to find a place like this that can help confirm what i was thinking, thank you for making things like this available for people like me
Read multiple times over the years and just as funny. Stubble in the groin? Really? What were you looking for?
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