TIME TRAVELERS
★★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing time travelers.
Most people would expect reviewing time travelers to be too difficult because they don’t exist. But the thing is, they just don’t exist yet. When they do, they’ll travel back in time to now. So you see, I can review them because they sort of do exist.
Anyway, they’re pretty awesome. First of all, they can travel through time! Probably they’re aided by a machine, meaning their ability is not super power-based. But it may as well be. It essentially allows the traveler to do whatever they want.
If I could time travel I could rob a bank, and then if I got cornered by the cops I could just time travel away. It’s similar to teleporting in that regard. If I ever become a time traveler, these are the things I will do in order of preference:
1. Visit my mother who died giving birth to me.
2. Warn my young self not to go into that barn.
3. Ride dinosaurs.
4. Find out what the fuck happened to the Mayans.
5. Show cavemen my iPod Touch just to see if it freaks them out.
I know this is a short list, but I’m a man of simple needs.
I also like how time travelers have no qualms about potentially causing paradoxes. That’s the kind of blatant self-righteousness I wish I possessed. They risk destroying existence, or even just returning from their travels to a world where monkeys rule. That requires a lot of bravery.
Traveling through time also probably necessitates the use of some kind of special suit, and I’m willing to bet it’s neat looking. So you see, time travelers are also pretty fashionable. Unless maybe they end up naked like in Terminator. If that’s the case, I hope time travelers are sexy women, because I would like to see them naked.
So I think it’s clear time travelers are amazing. In a way it’s unfair to call this a review when I’m just stating objective facts.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my cousin who has down syndrome.
