Ted Wilson Reviews the World #9


★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Bible.

A few weeks ago I picked up one of those complimentary copies of the Bible that hotels leave for guests in nightstand drawers. After all the talk I’d heard about the Bible, I figured it must be a great book and was looking forward to reading it. The next afternoon was beautiful, so I took it to the park. I got only six pages in before I fell asleep. When I woke up it was night and my shirt and glasses had been stolen but the Bible remained. That the thief left it should have been an indication of just how impenetrable this thing is.

Usually I’m better at finishing books, but the Bible is comically long. Whoever published it used super thin paper, so it’s like twice as long as it looks. (I think there might be some duplicate pages accidentally printed.) And it certainly doesn’t help that it’s written in that old-timey language. Plus, I’ve never liked fantasy and the Bible is full of magic powers and other worlds. That’s just not my thing. It would probably appeal more to Harry Potter fans.

The Bible comes in two versions, but I don’t know how they differ. It would be cool, I think, if there were a third version. Maybe one where there’s a different ending. Instead of Jesus coming back to life and floating out of the cave and into heaven, he could come out all pissed off and ready for vengeance. This is how I picture it:

The big rock blocking the cave explodes! At first everyone thinks it’s a terrorist explosion, but when the smoke clears… it’s Jesus! It was his fist that exploded the rock when he punched it. Now he’s ready to kick ass! He spots the guy who crucified him! We’ll call that guy Kevin, since I don’t know his actual name.

Jesus charges Kevin, who looks terrified. There’s this big chase scene between the two. I know they didn’t have cars back then, so they use whatever the equivalent was – horses or slaves or whatever. They shoot arrows and blow darts at each other and maybe have a sword fight as they both head towards a cliff. Jesus goes off the cliff just as Kevin dives to safety. Jesus’s body is a twisted mess at the bottom of the cliff and some hyenas eat some of him. Except you’re forgetting: This is Jesus. So he comes back to life! Again! And just as Kevin is walking away, laughing to himself and making out with Jesus’s wife, Jesus comes up over the edge of the cliff and shoots Kevin. Everything seems right again, but there’s still a twist. Jesus did die when he fell off the cliff and it was actually his ghost that killed Kevin! Then Ghost-Jesus ascends to heaven where he becomes the most powerful angel ever.

That would be a pretty sweet ending. DVDs have alternate endings, so I don’t know why they couldn’t do the same thing with the Bible. It would really widen the audience. As it is, though, the Bible is just not worth the time.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing pudding.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →