POWDERED WIGS
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing powdered wigs.
The powdered wig offers an air of sophistication other wigs simply can’t. Yet for some reason, almost no one wears them. It’s baffling. Occasionally an actor or member of British Parliament will don one, but never a gardener or waitress. If the common man wishes to be taken more seriously, the powdered wig seems an obvious choice.
Every time I look at a quarter, I’m reminded of the world we could be living in. There’s George Washington proudly displaying his powdered wig. Did George ever suspect there would be a day when people wouldn’t want to wear them? Not likely. Ben Franklin probably knew, though. That guy was smart.
A lot of people would call me a hypocrite for wanting to bring back powdered wigs but not wearing one myself. To be honest, I do wear one around the house when I’m alone, but senior citizens are rarely trendsetters. It’s the young people who need to take the lead on this, which is why I’ve been mailing powdered wigs to people like the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, the cast of The Hills, and all the people who play vampires.
With each powdered wig I include a form letter which reads, “Here’s a wig for you to wear. If it wasn’t for your ancestors who wore these wigs, you wouldn’t be alive today. Do what you know is right.” I got a subscription to Teen Beat, hoping when someone wears one of my wigs it will show up there. So far all that magazine has been good for is making me wish I still had the body for skinny jeans.
Once, I tried handing out free powdered wigs at a playground, but people are scared of change. Especially parents. If you’re a young person and would like to begin wearing powdered wigs, try throwing a wig-wearing party. It’s a great way to socialize and show your peers that you’re willing to be noticed. Plus, with a wig, you’ll never need a comb again.
Anyone who isn’t still convinced about the benefits of powdered wigs, consider this: When was the last time you saw a dead person in a powdered wig? Never. Now I’m not saying wearing a powdered wig can prevent death, but it makes you wonder.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a cantaloupe I saw in the road.
