★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Avatar.
Avatar, the new cinema experience by director James Cameron, is phenomenal. A lot of people aren’t sure what to expect, so here’s a run-down. To begin, the film is so phenomenal that when you arrive at the theater, no seats will be available because a group of teenagers will have bought tickets to a film that wasn’t sold out (Old Dogs) so they can sneak into Avatar. Their enthusiasm for the film’s awesomeness won’t be to blame, the awesomeness will be.
Because of this, you’ll be forced to stand in the back of the theater with four other displaced patrons (one of whom will stand way too close to you), all trying to enjoy the movie while keeping an eye the crowd for anyone careless enough to leave their seat unattended while they head for the restroom or concessions stand. It will be difficult to concentrate on watching the crowd because of the visual spectacle that is Avatar. It’s got it all: fights, space ships, laser beams, wheelchairs, planets, Giovanni Ribisi, trees. Everything!
When that unsuspecting viewer does get up, be prepared to race for that seat, probably knocking over one of your opponents. (If she grabs your ankle, just kick her off and keep moving.) You’ll be rewarded with a warm seat and whatever remains of the beverage the previous occupant had been consuming, in my case a fantastically enormous container of soda. But don’t drink too much, because when you crash from the sugar high, you’re likely to pass out. And if the timing is as unfortunate as mine, it will be just when the blue cartoon cat-lady is about to die.
When you regain consciousness, the storyline will have taken unexpected turns, abandoning all the characters and changing from the future to present day. Instead of dragons and explosions, there will be a lot of nurses and neon lights. But my goodness, the 3D effects are so real! You will feel as though you are actually right there, in the hospital. The ending is kind of anticlimactic and involves nothing more than signing some paperwork and a bus ride home. (Which is exactly how Iron Man ended.)
Plot problems aside, it was like no movie I’d seen before. Except Delgo. James Cameron has really out done himself!
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing grapesauce.