JOHNNY TREMAIN’S HAND
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Johnny Tremain’s hand.
Johnny Tremain is the main character of the eponymously titled book set in 1700s Boston. Like most people, he had two hands. Unlike most people, he ruined one in a silversmithing mishap. The hand was burned and disfigured and no one wanted to look at it. That’s how gross it was.
But what if his hand had managed to transform into the shape of a bunny rabbit or a race car instead of a melted blob? Johnny’s life could have been so much more. His hand would have intrigued people. Passersby would comment, “Your hand looks so futuristic!” (If it were the race car shape.) He could use clever euphemisms for masturbation such as “I’m going to feed the bunny a carrot.” (If it were the bunny shape.) But instead of making the most of a bad situation, Johnny became a paperboy – an obvious cry for help. Everyone knows paperboys are depressed loners. (Every time I see my paperboy he’s got ink all over his hands and is begging for money.)
I can’t know exactly how Johnny was feeling – in part because he was fictional – but I know how I felt after one of the worst haircuts of my life. I was only twelve and it was the day before my first day of middle school. I think my barber had been drinking and the result made me regret turning away that wig salesman only hours earlier. I had to wear a shower cap (we couldn’t afford a hat) for several weeks until my hair grew out. I figure Johnny Tremain felt the same mix of despair and embarrassment, but multiplied several times over because his hand was never going to grow out of its grossness.
It’s a shame he couldn’t use the circumstances to his advantage. For instance, a hand-puppet version of the Elephant Man would have been a brilliant career move. It may sound tasteless, but it’s all in the portrayal. And Johnny would have occupied a very niche corner of theater. One obstacle is that Joseph Merrick didn’t exist yet, but that’s what imagination is for.
By the end of the book some doctor “fixes” Johnny’s hand, but the psychological damage can’t be undone so easily. Even though his hand may look and function like a regular person’s hand, in Johnny’s mind he probably still hates it. It wouldn’t surprise me if he doesn’t put a glove on it in the winter, or purposely shakes hands with people he knows have really strong, almost painful handshakes just to get back at it.
There was a lot of missed opportunity with that hand. Reading Johnny Tremain I kept turning the page, expecting Johnny to come to his senses. But his hand was just too much for him.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Johnny Tremain’s other hand.
