Ted Wilson Reviews the World #25


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the erection I had last Thursday.

As a senior citizen, my erections appear with less frequency than in the swollen days of my youth. It’s a combination of age, medication, and the fact that I simply put forth less of an effort. So when it happens, I take note.

The erection I had last Thursday could not have come at a worse time. I was taking a stroll through the woods. Alone. To some this may sound like an ideal time for an erection, but the last thing I wanted was for a fellow traveler to encounter me. Happening upon an old man alone in the woods with an erection is suspicious no matter how one looks at it.

I’m not sure what the catalyst was. It might have been the cloud that looked like a young Judy Garland or the plant that looked like a Georgia O’Keeffe painting. Whatever the cause, the erection was there and was making no attempt to leave.

Of course, there was one sure-fire way to rid myself of it, but the risk was too great. Anyone who knows me knows how terrified I am of animal hybrids. If I left my seed behind, and a female coyote were to sit on it, probably nothing would happen. But what if? I could never be party to something so horrific. And if my unintentional offspring were caught and dissected, its DNA could be traced back to me. Everyone would know what I had done.

I stood waist-deep in brush for a full three hours, unsure of what to do. Although it waned at times, the erection never fully subsided. Being subject to the whim of my body made me feel so powerless. Like how I imagine rape victims feel, only this time I was both the rapist and rapee. I felt so angry and wanted to punch myself, possibly even down there. But soon I was so overwhelmed that I began to cry. It turns out crying is a big turn-off for me. Before I could wipe the tears from my face the erection was gone.

Learning to adapt made me feel empowered, which made my erection come back slightly. Now I carry in my wallet a list of things sure to make me sad.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing The Iceburn Collective.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →