JUSTIN BIEBER’S WIG
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Justin Bieber’s wig.
Sitting front row at a Justin Bieber concert, I had a view of his wig obscured only by the occasional pair of Dora the Explorer underwear. I assumed Justin’s wig was an element of his elaborate stage performance, like one of Lady Gaga’s wacky outfits, but a week later when I showed up at Borders for one of Justin’s signings, he was still wearing it. And why wouldn’t he? He looks fantastic under it.
Now Justin’s fashion sense has set off a trend. I’ve noticed dozens of teenage boys wearing similar wigs. The style is sort of like a helmet that an elf might own, and made out of feathers. It’s utterly precious. Apparently these wigs are in very high demand because I was unable to find one for sale anywhere. I tried Wal-Mart, Henrietta’s Wig-O-Rama Bonanzalooza (over 30,000 wigs and never anything good), and the cancer wing of the hospital. I was forced to make my own wig from hair I’d been collecting from the barber shop dumpster. It came out looking nothing like I wanted.
These may not be the powdered wigs for which I’ve been advocating, but they’re certainly a step in the right direction. I now carry a bag of flour with me every time I go to the mall, in the hopes that on the day I’m able to apprehend one of these wig-wearing teens long enough to cover his head in flour, everyone (who’s there) will see what could be.
I can’t think of a single decision I made as a teenager that wasn’t sound. So it pains me to think that when these boys look back at pictures of themselves in their beautiful wigs, it will be with a longing for the childhood that has grown matted and possibly infested with wig lice. Justin will have brought them joy, but a joy that had to be taken away eventually.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing rainbows.
