EWOKS
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Ewoks.
Ewoks are alien teddy bears that live on a planet in the future. You would know them from the Star Wars movies. Ewoks are tricky because they pretend to be cute but actually have no qualms about using physical violence to solve their problems.
It makes me happy that Ewoks are probably not real yet, because if I met them I would want to hug them, but then they would attack me with their spears and kill me. There may be no evidence no back up this theory, but I suspect they eat their conquests. They look like the kind of people who would, and I don’t want to be eaten. My aversion to being consumed is that without a body my poor friends and family could have no closure. Although selfishly, I like the idea that one of my bones could be carved into a weapon and used to kill someone else. That’s just neat.
Maybe if the Ewoks filmed my murder, the way sometimes inner city youth film themselves committing crimes, then my loved ones could watch that on YouTube or the local news to know I was definitely gone forever.
I will say this about the Ewoks. They are good at building tree houses. Amazing tree houses. If I wasn’t so terrified of those little teddy bears killing me I would want to hire some as carpenters. I tried building a tree house for my cousin when we were kids. It took me four months and I forgot to include a door. So I had to take one of the walls apart and then rebuild it once he was inside. Then my mom called me to dinner and a week later the police found what was left. That’s one time I would have really like to have some Ewoks around. Other than that, though, I would say stay way if you ever see them.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my new shirt.
4 responses
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2572/4214193626_2c59ffa972.jpg
Please send ewoks to help build our deathstar, er…. TREEHOUSE. We need more food… er, I mean, CARPENTERS. kthxbai.
Ummm… Ted? Ewoks are from the past. “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….”
Dear EnronMoney,
Thank you for your comment. If you watch any of the Star Wars movies, it’s clear they take place in the future. There are several clues which indicate this. For instance, laser beams and spaceships. We don’t have those things yet. Also, how do you explain humans getting all the way to another galaxy in the past? That makes no sense.
Sincerely,
Ted
I love ewoks. I’d like to party with them. Although I don’t really party anymore. It’d be great to have one of them with me here in New York City as a personal bodygaurd/friend, as, like you said, they’re not opposed to using violence, and because they also seem pretty funny too. I’ll bet we could talk a lot of shit on the trains and stuff. I can imagine us getting into all kinds of fun just walkin’ the streets and pokin’ each other in the ribs and pokin’ dickheads with his spear and stuff and laughin’ as he said something funny to them in his gibberish as they stared at us like, What the fuck man? Also, they do make amazing tree houses. And I’d love to build an amazing tree house on the roof of my apartment building in Brooklyn so that we could see the skyline of Manhattan across the water and keep an eye on it, like the death star. Also, it’d be a great place to have people over and hold wild ewok and hipster rumpuses and light big bonfires. That sounds like a lot of fun. I think having ewoks as friends would improve my life immensely.
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