EWOKS
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Ewoks.
Ewoks are alien teddy bears that live on a planet in the future. You would know them from the Star Wars movies. Ewoks are tricky because they pretend to be cute but actually have no qualms about using physical violence to solve their problems.
It makes me happy that Ewoks are probably not real yet, because if I met them I would want to hug them, but then they would attack me with their spears and kill me. There may be no evidence no back up this theory, but I suspect they eat their conquests. They look like the kind of people who would, and I don’t want to be eaten. My aversion to being consumed is that without a body my poor friends and family could have no closure. Although selfishly, I like the idea that one of my bones could be carved into a weapon and used to kill someone else. That’s just neat.
Maybe if the Ewoks filmed my murder, the way sometimes inner city youth film themselves committing crimes, then my loved ones could watch that on YouTube or the local news to know I was definitely gone forever.
I will say this about the Ewoks. They are good at building tree houses. Amazing tree houses. If I wasn’t so terrified of those little teddy bears killing me I would want to hire some as carpenters. I tried building a tree house for my cousin when we were kids. It took me four months and I forgot to include a door. So I had to take one of the walls apart and then rebuild it once he was inside. Then my mom called me to dinner and a week later the police found what was left. That’s one time I would have really like to have some Ewoks around. Other than that, though, I would say stay way if you ever see them.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my new shirt.
