Ted Wilson Reviews the World #59


★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Halloween, 2010.

My mother always taught me not to take candy from strangers, and that’s why I have never celebrated Halloween. My therapist said maybe I was being too literal and extreme, so I decided to celebrate my first Halloween just to prove him wrong. Boy was it a doozy!

I searched a thrift store for the cheapest costume available. Between a box labeled “sexy nurse” and another labeled “sexy cat” I found one labeled “used Borat” for only $1.50. There were dozens of them. The costume revealed a bit more skin than I would have preferred, so I wore a pair of evening gloves I found with a pair of panty hose. Halloween isn’t Halloween without a mask, so I also threw on an old homemade Howdy Doody mask I had in my attic.

No one had invited me to a party, so I drove my van all over town until I found one. I had to drive very slowly, because it was hard to see through the mask, but I eventually found a big party. Unfortunately, the partygoers didn’t have the Halloween spirit. Whenever I asked any of them to trick or treat me – instead of offering candy – they would say things like, “Did George invite you?” or “Ew.”

In the kitchen I found an untouched package of Circus Peanuts. I took them home with me, where I watched the scariest movie I own, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Trick-or-treaters kept interrupting, so I would do my best to scare them by opening the door and chasing them with a knife. It worked really well! Those kids were terrified. So were their parents. Ha ha ha. What a blast.

Celebrating Halloween was so much fun it made me feel sad for all the decades I missed it. That’s why I’ve decided to begin celebrating it once a month. I hope yours was as much fun as mine!

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing handcuffs.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →