YESTERDAY
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing yesterday.
The thing about yesterday is that even though it’s in the past, it wasn’t when it happened. It was now, then, and it was hard for me to think about how in the future it would no longer be a now and instead be a memory of then. Although now I realize it may not even become a memory because of how unmemorable it was.
Yesterday began quite similarly to several other days. In fact, the first six to eight minutes of it appeared to be indistinguishable from April 15th, 1968. The similarities stopped when I fell out of my chair.
Strangely, I had no bruises or scrapes. My first thought was that I was like Bruce Willis in that movie by that twist-ending guy where Bruce Willis can’t be hurt no matter what, except for his one weakness which is getting water in his lungs. I think it was called Invincible or Unhurtable. (I have the exact same weakness, so it seemed plausible.) When I remembered that I’d hurt myself countless times before in life, I was disappointed to realize it must not be the case.
Then I thought of that movie where John Travolta gets struck by lightning and gets super powers. I checked to see if my accident had given me powers. None revealed themselves. This was quite a let down as I had hoped it would be an amazing day.
I decided that if fate couldn’t make my day amazing, then I would. So I hired a bodyguard. I like to live life dangerously, so employing a bodyguard seemed like a good attempt at a self-fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately, there was no attempt on my life. I suppose it’s for the best because the only bodyguard available on short notice and for my budget was my aunt Rose. I doubt she could have defended either of us very well, even though she’s tall for her age.
As the day neared an end and nothing exciting had happened to me, I decided to give it one last shot. I went to Foxwood’s Casino and bet my entire life savings. And I broke even.
Despite my best efforts, yesterday was completely unremarkable. And I’m willing to bet that it was unremarkable on the whole, for everyone. Even for those who had spectacular yesterdays, there were just as many who had horrible ones and mediocre ones. It all evens out into mostly nothing special. Tomorrow, today will be yesterday again.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing last week.
