★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing ponies.
Ponies are horses, but smaller and cuter, bred to be rides at children’s birthday parties. The word “horsies” was invented as a way to make horses seem equally as cute but is ultimately misleading, as horsies are nothing more than ordinary horses. This failed attempt shows how desperate the horse community is to not let ponies steal their thunder. Ponies can’t help being adorable and they shouldn’t be to blame for their cuteness and broad appeal.
This is why horses hate ponies, and as a result ponies have low self-esteem and inferiority complexes. It’s rare to find a pony with great confidence. If you do, hold onto it because it is really valuable!
Ponies are not as fast as horses, and fewer of them are movie stars. The Lone Ranger would have looked ridiculous riding a pony. He would have looked cute, but that’s not what he was going for. Can you imagine an army of Medieval soldiers riding into battle on ponies? I can, and it puts a smile on my face, but war is not a time to be smiling. Unless you’ve just killed one of your enemies. Ponies just aren’t practical for every day use.
With all their shortcomings (no pun intended), ponies are clearly very strong. It takes great will power and integrity to live as a pony, knowing you’ll never be a horse. If I was expecting to be born a horse, and when I came out I was a pony, I honestly think I might kill myself. The fact that there are so few pony suicides is a testament to their greatness.
I hope one day to own a pony. I will place reaffirming images all around his pen – drawings of him beating up or riding horses. Then, when he is confident, I will sell him. I will be sad to sell him because we will have formed a relationship, but I will be happy to see him go out into the world a proud, strong pony. I just hope he never actually tries to ride a horse. That won’t go over very well.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing India.