Ted Wilson Reviews the World #90

THE PRESIDENCY
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Presidency.

I have a lot of free time. Possibly too much free time, given that I’ve decided to take up ventriloquism. And I also have a need for money, in part to have a custom dummy made that bears my resemblance. So I began scanning the classifieds to see who was hiring. That’s when I remembered about a job opening that will be available next year – President of the United States of America. So I am formally announcing my candidacy.

It wasn’t my first choice, but it was up there. I also hoped for a position as an actor or underwater adventurer but those were nowhere in the classifieds and becoming President seemed more doable. I never tried to become President when I was younger because it seemed like a tough thing to do. These days it seems like anyone can run for President as long as they’ve been on TV. The only time I was on TV was when I wandered into the background of a local news report about a sports team winning a game, but my hope is that this column is popular enough to propel me as a front-runner for the Presidency.

I’m undecided which party I should run for. I don’t want to be in one of those fringe parties because then only extremists would vote for me. Extremists make me uncomfortable – like that woman I see on the bus who always wears all maroon. I’m scared to make eye contact with her. That’s one of the perks of being President – you don’t have to ride the bus or make eye contact with people.

There are lots of other perks, too. As President I would be allowed to do almost whatever I wanted and no one would stand in my way. I’m tired of people saying I can’t nap in the library. If I were President, no one would say such things to me. Instead, they would say, “Wow, the President is napping in the library. Let’s not disturb him, he must be really tired.” And if anyone disrespected my nap time and tried to ask for my autograph, my Secret Service bodyguards would push the person away. That’s the life for me.

There are of course drawbacks to being the leader of the most powerful nation in the world. Long hours for instance. Or how people might try to kill you if you don’t believe in the same things as them (or if they really love Jodi Foster). The President also has to wear a suit a lot, except for when visiting a disaster area or blue collar factory. Probably the worst thing about being President is the part where talk show hosts make fun of you. That would really hurt my feelings.

Anyway, now that I’ve announced my candidacy I’m not sure what the next step is. I guess there must be some paperwork to fill out or something. Then I’ll need to find a running mate. If you or anyone you know is interested, please contact me. Don’t forget to tell your friends to vote Ted Wilson 2012!

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Cars 3.