Dear sweet peas,
I’m taking some time off, so I don’t have a new column for you, but I’m still sending a weekly message out to the members of my Google group. I sent out this one earlier today and Stephen Elliott suggested we publish it on the site.
Yours,
Sugar
***
Yesterday The Awl published an interview I did with Matt Davis. I don’t know Matt well, but I liked him instantly the moment I met him, and not just for his killer English accent. I liked him for the usual reasons—he’s smart and talented and kind—but there’s something else about him. He has the spark of life. When I talked to him via Skype for the interview I forgot I was talking to a journalist. I felt like I was just talking to Matt. Our Q&A in The Awl is a slightly edited transcript of our conversation. It was an interesting exercise for me, to talk and then see my words published. It reminded me to be more mindful of what I say and how I say it. Until that interview with Matt, all of my Sugar words have been written and even when I’ve written the words only hours before they go live on The Rumpus, I’ve always considered them very carefully, revised and reworked and refined.
If I could revise, rework, and refine one section of my interview with Matt it would be the bit about self-help books. Nobody has written to give me hell about what I said, but I’ve sort of been giving myself hell inside. It isn’t true that I’ve never read a self-help book in my life, though it felt true when I said it to Matt. I had a point to make about the self-help industry and so in my passion I overstated my case. Upon reflection, I do think that self-help books can be of great use to many people and a few have been of use to me–the few I’m thinking of are parenting books that helped me come up with positive ways to set limits with my children.
What I was trying to express is a distain for a particular kind of self-help book that tells us if we only believe in X, the problem Y will disappear. Perhaps this goes back to the rage and sorrow I felt when my mom learned she was going to die. In her fear, she went to a New Age bookstore and bought a stack of books that all told her that she could visualize her way to a cancer-free life, which also implies that if she didn’t or couldn’t, if she died instead (as she did), she was to blame.
But the truth is sometimes we get cancer and die, no matter how much we want to live. And sometimes we’re poor, no matter how hard we work or dream. And sometimes we’re damaged, no matter how much we visualize being whole.
And yet… and yet… as I say in my interview with Matt, an important tendril of that way of thinking is correct: we’re all responsible for our lives. I just think that the way to get to that place where we take responsibility isn’t as simple a fix as a lot of self-help books would like you to believe. Many of them aren’t really willing to dig deep and acknowledge the heart of the matter.
One of the reasons I’ve read parenting books about how to set limits is that my dear daughter is something of a hothead. We love her strong spirit, but Mr. Sugar and I have also had to learn how to teach her to behave and it’s not always been easy. All the self-help books explain in incredible detail how to give your kid a time out, but they all assume the child is willing to go along with it. None of them tell you what to do if your child is kicking and punching you while you carry her to the designated time out spot. None of them say, “If you need to pin your child to the floor to get her to stay in time out, then do THIS.”
That’s what I was trying to get at when I was talking to Matt. I was trying to say that I think we ache for and deserve a different level of conversation when we talk about helping ourselves and transforming our lives: a greater complexity, a grittier acknowledgement of what it is we’re up against, even if that acknowledgement embarrasses us. I meant to say there is no cure except to live the hell out of our lives, to take it apart, to put it back together, to dig it all up, and then fill the hole. To help ourselves and one another to the best of our abilities. To believe everything entirely, while also calling bullshit for what it is.
That’s what I meant.
Love,
Sugar
28 responses
What I love about your addendum is your thoughtfulness. You may have written that you were giving yourself hell, Sug, but I tend to think that’s because you realize the importance your words have taken on in many people’s lives, and you wanted to make sure you were giving us your all. That’s what you do, and that is why we love you – you as Sugar and you as the woman and author behind the voice we lean in to. Your anonymity is your choice, and for all the support you have given us, I offer you mine. I hope and am sure others have as well.
Since the Awl interview brought up the debate about anonymity, may I ask you if you see any correlation between your anonymous role on the internet and the role that anonymity has played with the way we re-identify and portray ourselves through the use of social media? It’s interesting to me that this outlet has offered you the opportunity to be your full self and give all to people, and yet often that is quite the opposite of what you see in Anonymous comments on websites all over.
Be well, Sugar. And thank you.
Sugar, when I read that interview, I thought about how your writing is the best self-help literature I’ve ever read. I’m sorry about that label and all its cheesy connotations, but I think it’s true and that you’re putting new instructions/considerations for how to live honestly on the record. I actually have read a lot of self help, and some of it is sales-driven dreck and some of it is very insightful (check out Dr. Harriet Lerner’s work, if you get a chance), but I’ve never come across anything this nuanced and heartfelt. So yeah, I think you’re doing important work. Self help flourishes because some of us really want and need it. We thank you for the quality material.
A while back you answered my questions about wanting to be a mother while looking at the end of my 30’s. What I appreciated about your response then was how you didn’t talk about how somehow I had done something wrong that caused me to be single in my late 30’s. You just accepted it as luck of the draw that I was still alone and examined how I could go forward with my mother urge. I think it’s why everyone loves you. You have a very non self-helpy approach to issues that is based in total acceptance. Self help books so often tell us we are wrong, we are to blame for where we are in our lives and we need to fix what’s broken on ourselves before we can be deserving of happiness. I have the feeling that your attitude is “Fuck that. You are deserving. You are good. These are the hands that were dealt to you. What do you want to do?” And that’s a much nicer position to change oneself from.
As trite as it is, I remember an episode of Sex in the City where Charlotte drags Carrie to a seminar led by some love guru. During the Q & A session, Charlotte asks the guru something like, “How long before it works? I mean, I have followed all your steps. I’m practicing all my positive affirmations.” And the guru says something like, “Well, maybe you don’t really believe yet. You aren’t really putting yourself out there.” And Carrie stands up and says, “Excuse me. She is out there. Believe me, she’s out there.” She calls bullshit. I feel like that would be you.
I was talking about this with a friend lately, who was telling me that the reason I was still alone was that I hadn’t really told the universe what I wanted, because if I had, I would have manifested a husband by now. I told her I was sick of all of us beating ourselves up. I said I knew lots of really amazing women and men who were still alone and a lot of assholes who were married, and frankly, that I thought it was a crapshoot. I mean, like you say, there is something to be said for the energy you put out there. But if you work your ass off to stay self aware and positive and loving, and it still doesn’t come, maybe it’s not your fault. Maybe it just sucks for you and your still totally worthy of love, and if you had sat on the train for one more stop 10 years ago you’d now be married with 3 kids. Maybe that’s just the luck of the draw, and maybe it will change, and maybe it won’t. I’d much rather be called sweetpea and told that I am worthy of the things I desire in life than read another book that tells me what I am doing wrong. In any case, I am exhausted by all the advice that tells me to try harder, be better, be someone else. I am nourished by advice that is based on acceptance and love. Like yours.
And I also accept that I am so OCD about grammar that I feel compelled to correct my typo of “your still totally worthy of love” to “you’re”.
Thank you M! I am enthralled with your response because you finally put into words for me what I struggle to verbialize when I try and explain to others what I like about Sugar’s column and advice. It is advice based on acceptance, love, and respect for ourselves.
Dear Sugar,
I just wanted you to know that when I read column 77, it blew away the final residue of guilt and self loathing that I still felt over ending my marriage eight years ago. I was married to a lovely man, was unhappy but in denial about being unhappy. I had an affair, and fucked things up royally. You didn’t give me a free pass for what I did, but you did give me the permission, retroactively, to leave. I did counselling at the time, I read the books, and the spoken and unspoken message was that if I was a good person, I would have stayed and worked things through. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t articulate why not. You did. Thank you. You beat the hell out of any self help book I ever read.
Sugar,
I am glad you said this because I came across your column for the first time yesterday because of that interview, and while you’re advice seems to be great and helpful, the self help thing stuck out at me. I think some self-help books can be really great, and some people might respond to them better than anything else, but at the same time there is that particularly awful kind of self-help book that you have pointed out, the cheesy one that tells you it’s your fault, and doesn’t really help you. And those are the one with the cliched title that get the most attention.
Anyway, my point is I think you made a wise decision in publishing this.
M, I also enjoyed what you had to say.
Dear Sugar,
Well said (as usual). By the way, I think it’s wonderful that you’ve decided to come out, because I, and I’m sure many others, really want to read your other work! And while I completely understand why you would do so, I have to say that I’ll miss you terribly when you decide the time has come to stop writing your Dear Sugar column. I look forward to it every week. You touch our hearts and souls and help us look more deeply at how we live our lives and how we could choose to live them a bit differently. Yours is a wonderful gift, and I thank you for sharing it with us. I can imagine that writing your column takes a lot out of you, given how much of yourself you put into each column and the vast number of letters you receive and read each week. My hope is that you’ll decide to write a different sort of column once your Dear Sugar days are over – can’t blame a girl for wishing!
There’s a lot I want to express, Sugar – your wisdom has meant a lot to me (especially the last two columns – my life to a tee, just about). One day I’ll write more and explain this current sentiment, but suffice to say that: this thing you do, Sugar, you do it really well.
Love,
Ленка
Thanks for all the sweet comments and thoughts, everyone. I’m touched by your words.
Thank you Sugar for standing up and making these clarifications. I wish more writers would do the same.
As far as the physically out-of-control kid, I would like to tell you this:
ignore it. Get Mr. Sugar to help you, if he’s around, to wrangle your kid to the timeout spot. But don’t give up.
I know nobody likes getting kicked and punched, but the important thing is to get the kid into a timeout. And make the acting out violation #2. If she refuses to stop the hitting, etc., then her timeout is longer for it.
I hope this helps. Don’t let the outrageous or annoying behavior distract you. That’s why kids, adults, dogs do it. Ignore, don’t react, stay strong.
I haven’t read the interview, but I’m gathering from the comments that the issue of anonymity and leading an honest life came up. The two are extremely compatible.
To separate your work from your life in a manner that allows you to live a life of privacy while at the same time being so amazingly supportive and helpful to people is not only a gift to yourself and your family, but to your readers.
M –
If you live in or near the SF Bay Area, happy hour is on me. In fact, wherever you live, I’ll fly there.
Sugar, You words consistently ring true. Sometimes with pain, sometimes with sorrow, always with beauty. Always with love. You validate and inspire. Thank you.
xo
PDX loves Matt Davis! We miss you Matt! Well, er, I do… You oughta meet your replacement…ugh PDX misses you Matt!!!!
Dear Sugar – I love the fact tht you gave further explanation about your perspectives on self help books for two reasons. First, I respect the fact that you cared enough to explain your words providing the nuance that was lacking in the original interview. (I have been interviewed many times – it’s so frustrating when i am not given time or space to answer fully or thoroughly. It’s also frustrating when I realize, after the fact, that my words were only partially correct. Also with respect to that, I want to explain when I feel that my words might be misunderstood. I have been criticized – people say that I should not explain. That that is a “female” thing. Well, if that is female thing, then maybe more guys should learn from us and choose to explain when their statements are incomplete or might be conveying something other than that which they mean to convey. Words ARE important and we never know how long and far someone else will carry them in life as points of reference. Second, I love your message about how some self-help books just encourage us to beat up on ourselves. There are too many of them out there – if we become ill or injured we are encouraged to feel guilty for not it. I agree with oters who comment – your message of love and acceptance and “let’s figure out where to go from where you are” is what is needed for healing. – Thanks for being here for so many of us Sugar – Mari
Apologies for my typographical errors, too. M – you made me smile to read words of someone else who cringes at her own typographical errors. I am amazed at how articulate and thoutful Sugar’s readers are.
dear sugar ~ jillian lauren has written a lot about child rearing issues and has done so in such an honest way that if you’ve not already been witness to this you might check out her blog because she’s fearless. she writes about motherhood in a way i’ve not read before, without trying to hide how hard it is and in this lack of anything to hide she, what can i say, wisdom and delight shine through.
Dear Sugar,
My hubby and I share a laptop. And just last night he noticed your column in my favorites and asked about it. He asked, “What’s so special about her column?” because he, like you, don’t believe in the “self-help”. He fully believes in digging into your own demons and correctly them, but he’s got the same viewpoint you do on things (as do I). So I tried to explain to him the difference between you and say “Dear Abby.” I told him that you’re not superficial, and you not only dig deep into our hearts to find the roots of problems that your readers have, but you also pick letters to respond to based on what (I think) you feel a lot of people can relate to. So you’re not just answering that one reader, you’re answering as many people as you possibly can. I feel that’s why you put so much into your column and why it tends to become emotionally difficult for you at times. I also explained to him that you are sensitive and nuturing when you need to be but you’re not afraid to say, “Fuck that. This is what you need.” You’re not afraid to just be blunt and GO THERE when the situation calls for it. You also allow us to see inside your life, your dreams, your goals, and your heartache. Therapists have a golden rule (or at least from what I’ve seen) to not talk about themselves…but there’s a problem with this…when you’re getting advice from someone who refuses to try and relate to you in any way…it’s hard to really listen. It’s easier to trust someone when they say, “Listen, this is what I felt or did and this is how I corrected it.” Because maybe I won’t do what you did, but now I can trust that you know what you’re talking about because you’ve have similar feelings or choices and you got through it. It’s knowing that someone’s been there and made it happen that makes it easier to put that first foot forward.
I love your columns, even if I can’t relate to the reader in any way, shape, or form because your advice always makes me think twice about my decisions. You genuinely care Sugar, and that’s what it’s all about.
Best of luck to you in the future as you explore futher opportunites and I look forward to reading your Sugar columns until it’s time for you to say goodbye.
This is exactly what I needed today, going on almost one year of an unsuccessful job search. Part of me is so bitter right now – I worked so hard and long at my former jobs, kicked ass in grad school, have been networking and applying and volunteering like a demon, and none of it seems to have paid off at all. After a while you get tired of so much work for zero reward, but the true kick in the teeth are the “gurus” saying you just aren’t trying hard enough. If only I was more assertive I’d have that job! but the truth is we’re in the middle of an economic meltdown, unions are under attack, and education funding has evaporated.
The gurus are the ones diverting our attention from larger social structures, from noticing that there are millions of others getting the same raw deal as the rich get richer. They teach us to blame ourselves and hide away in shame instead of joining hands and fighting back.
So I’ll only trust a self-help author who understands the spirit of the Serenity Prayer: work to change the things you can, take responsibility to deal as best you can with hard times without whining, but know that much of the problem is bigger than you, and requires “help” from many selves together…
Dear Sugar,
A suggestion regarding timeouts. When a child is misbehaving and you give them a 5 or 10 minute timeout, and they keep on misbehaving, simply say “let me know when you’re ready to begin.” It works wonders. (Avoid grabbing, chasing, etc. because then you are out of control as well as the child.) If, on those rare occasions you have to restrain a child (they should be very rare indeed or you need professional intervention) as he/she calms down you should ask are you ready to control your legs yet, etc…
The professionals I’ve seen in action always bring the kid back to the time out or back to bed if when the kid won’t go to sleep and leaves his or her bed.
You *can* and *should be* in control when doing this. Staying calm is paramount.
Consistency and calmness from the parent(s) make this form of discipline work. It’s a simple as that. What’s not is doing it over and over as many times as is necessary. If you give up, then you’re back to square one with your child.
There should be no need to restrain the child. It’s this simple: the timeout starts over when the kid leaves the time out spot or spouts off.
Repeat after me: “I am the parent.” “I am the parent.” “I am the parent…”
Thanks for sharing this.
I, too, have a spirited daughter. We have found help in Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. Good luck.
Dear Sugar
I am a loyal column reader and I follow the infrequent teasing glimpses of you offered by your interviews. Like so many others, I am hungry for Sugar. Of course I respect the decision to come out and will support your writing by purchasing your book. My question is: why not publish your next book as Sugar?
Sugar, you should watch some Supernanny episodes. REALLY. She deals with exactly what you are talking about, how to handle time-out when your kids are kicking and screaming. It has changed my life.
Tracy,
Ha, I lived in SF until a year and a half ago. Now temporarily in the Midwest getting another degree. Thanks for the kind words!
I Love you Sugar!
I know this is terribly old and of no use to Sugar at this point, but I felt compelled to chime in on the “time-out” advice given in the comments. It’s slightly amusing to see people essentially giving the same sort of advice Sugar is decrying– that is, “If it’s not working, you’re not doing it correctly or ‘hard’ enough.” It’s *at least worth asking*, if you do have to drag your thrashing child to the time-out spot, if perhaps time-outs are the problem. Or at least not the solution. I concur with Alfie Kohn (Unconditional Parenting) in this regard. Hope that helps someone.
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