Ted Wilson Reviews the World #99


★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing eyeballs.

They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. I’ve looked into my own eyes using the mirror and tried to see if I could see my soul looking back. All I could see was an impenetrable darkness. I hope this is because I was doing it wrong and not because my soul is a black hole. That would be a real let down.

Eyeballs are like hairs. When they’re where they’re supposed to be, no one thinks anything of them, but when they wind up in your food it’s pretty gross. Another gross thing about eyeballs is how when you wake up in the morning, your eyeballs have defecated all over your face. My mom called it “eye crap” but I’ve also heard it referred to as “sleepy seeds.” Whatever you want to call it, it’s gross to have it all over your face.

A cyclops is an imaginary, one-eyed creature, or sometimes just a stranger with an eye patch. If I were either type of cyclops I would be really nervous all the time because I wouldn’t want anything to happen to my one good eye. With two eyes I’m able live a care-free life, knowing that if anything happens to my eye, I’ve always got a back-up. That’s why I run with scissors and stare into the sun as often as I do.

Without eyeballs, everyone would walk around bumping into things. There would be a lot of bruises and pardon-me’s, except by the rude people who would say, “watch it!” And if the person being told to watch it was sensitive about his or her lack of eyeballs, there might some crying. Unless humans can’t cry without eyeballs. That’s something only science can answer.

I hope I never go blind, but that if I do I am blessed with the super abilities many blind people have such as being able to hear mice in the walls or smell pies from miles away. And if turning blind does grant me super powers, I would also like to be able to fly and/or turn invisible. Oh, and read minds, too, because then I would know why that lady on the bus is always staring at me.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Leif Ericson.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →