CAMPING
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing camping.
Camping is hard. I’d never done it intentionally before, so this past weekend I decided it was time. I gathered together everything I might need and put it all into my car. I left a note telling my mailman where I would be in case I disappeared.
None of the camping advice out there describes what to do when you find a family camping in the spot you wanted, just because they reserved it and you didn’t. This is exactly what happened to me. I figured we could share the space, but they had different ideas.
When I set my mattress up next to their tent, I immediately began to receive a lot of cold stares and whispers. And when I stared longingly at their dinner because I had forgotten to bring any food of my own, there was a lot of turned backs and over-the-shoulder glances.
I felt bad for causing any tension during their vacation, so I decided to extend the olive branch with an improvised shadow puppet show, cast on the wall of their tent with my car headlights. Unfortunately they had to leave before I could finish.
Laying on a mattress under the stars is both beautiful and terrifying when you don’t have the awkward company of a strange family. With no one else around, every little sound sounded like a bear or puma waiting to attack me. At one point I actually crawled under my mattress. For a calmer camping experience suggest bringing earplugs.
Another tip is to put your parking break on, otherwise you may find the next morning that your car has silently rolled away and is hiding in a meadow and that a park ranger is writing you a ticket.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my left shoelace.
9 responses
I started camping with my family in the 60s, and my LAST camping trip was with my family in 1984. If you want to break this habit, my brother Dave might be available to help.
i camped once with a group of troubled teens. one kid ate a cowpie on a dare, but i didn’t need to sleep on the ground to witness that; he did that kind of stuff all the time. camping bites.
Went camping at the weekend, my wife and dog and tent got sprayed by a skunk. It missed me though. Thanking my lucky stars!
Marilyn, I wonder if your brother Dave has met my brother Dave. Sounds like they could be soul campers.
Families also get uptight when you tell stories about banging strippers loudly past midnight after they* show you their bullet wound scars.
*the strippers not the family
(both events happened after midnight)
I’d like to take a parking break.
Dear Marina: My brother lives in Buckley, Washington. He still takes his teenage children and (second) wife camping on Mount Rainier. He seems to be a lot more enthusiastic about it than they are! I’m willing to hike during the day, but I sleep under a roof (after soaking in the hot tub and having dinner at a restaurant). So much better!
This is the kind of article that keeps me coming back to Field & Stream. Real nice job.
Hi Ted, where is the Batman review? I was really looking forward to it and last week you promised it this week. I don’t really like Batman, I just don’t get the whole rich guy dressing up in a mask, cape and tights to fight crime thing. Why not pay someone to look silly and risk their life and then get all the vicarious credit as the venture capitalist? G
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