FUNNY WOMEN #78: Ambivalent Affirmations


Hey ladyfriend, are you going through a breakup? Is your job really hard right now? Is your life nothing more than all-consuming darkness and regret?

Then check out these handcrafted household inspirations for the cynical woman in need of a pick-me-up:

“Life is darkest before the dawn or whatever,” etched on a fancy mirror to mount on the ceiling above your bed.

“Life is a gift. Sometimes a shitty one but a gift nonetheless” lavender-scented bathroom candles.

“There are footprints in the sand, maybe it’s a spiritual force but also you have feet, so you could be alone” lilac bath mat.

“I will choose my destiny but given that I don’t have control over a lot of stuff in the world, this may or may not work out and I guess I’m okay with that” butterfly mug.

“This is not the end of your happiness” plug-in fresh scent room deodorizer.

“Fuck it! But in a positive, letting-go way and not in a sad way. Right?” canvas shopping bag.

“We’re still here and somewhat functioning human beings, so I guess we can take solace in that” personalized stationery.

“I become better each day in every way. Unless there’s a Golden Girls marathon on, then I’m probably not leaving the house. But I’m a grown-ass woman who’s allowed to make that call” oversized pajama shirt. On the back is an image of a squished cat, like you sat on it, but don’t worry, it’s on there ironically, and not as a comment on your size. In fact, it’s to show you’re comfortable enough in your own skin to rock that kitsch.

“It gets batter! (as in, I feel like eating cookie dough today)” cookie dough.

“I am beautiful. ‘Cause, seriously, there are millions of people in the world, and surely I’m more attractive than a lot of them. I’m not saying that to put other people down. I’m just being realistic” wicker footstool.

Items will be sold on Etsy because that’s where things made by a lesbian are legally required to go.


Please submit your own funny writing to our Rumpus submission manager powered by Submittable. See first: our Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.

Janine Brito started doing standup comedy in St. Louis and has performed at clubs and theaters throughout the United States and Hong Kong. Praised by 7x7 Magazine as "one of SF's more daring voices," she is the recipient of Rooftop Comedy's 2010 Silver Nail Award and was named the 2011 “Best Comedian with a Message” by the East Bay Express. She lives in New York. More from this author →