ISAAC FITZGERALD
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Isaac Fitzgerald.
Isaac is the editor of the website called The Rumpus, which is the website you are reading right now, unless someone has done a poor job of plagiarizing me.
The first time I met Isaac was in an internet chat room where he was known as “hardalflover4ever2001.” It was a meeting place for people suffering from an unhealthy obsession with 80’s sensation Alf. Isaac was there because he’d collected clippings from a barber’s dumpster and glued them to his body in an attempt to create a real life Alf. I was there because the library computer was hard to use and I clicked on a wrong button or something.
We began exchanging emails regularly. Despite being almost complete strangers, Isaac wasn’t shy about sending multiple emails a day of an incredibly personal nature. Take this one for instance:
What’s up Ted Dawg! its me, Zack Attak LOL! So anyway I think I’m going to lose my virginity tomorrow but I don’t know cuz I’m nervous what if I do it wrong? I’ve been practicing on my mittens that I drew Renee Zellweger’s face on but it’s all sooooo scary and weird. What should i do?
As both friends and colleagues, I’ve learned so much from Isaac. He invited me to write for the Rumpus. At first, I would mail my hand-written reviews to Isaac, and he would type onto the internet. Because the post office is so slow, Isaac taught me how to photograph my reviews and email them to him. If it wasn’t for him, all of my reviews of the world would be sitting in a box in my kitchen cupboard.
I’ve also learned a lot about Isaac. Did you know that every morning Isaac will draw onto his stomach the breakfast he wishes he had, then begin to cry as he eats the breakfast he actually has? Or did you know that he suffers from a condition known as “Hitler nipples?” Another fun fact is that Isaac names every pair of underwear he owns, and when one pair is no longer useful, he buries it. I don’t know anyone else who gives such care to his wardrobe.
My only complaint about Isaac is that he didn’t show up to my wife’s funeral. In fairness to him, she died before he and I had met, but still. It would have been a pretty great display of friendship if he’d shown up. I mean, it was my wife.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing acid.
P.S. Another fun fact about Isaac is that he made a mask of me!
