Ted Wilson Reviews the World #158

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Frosty the Snowman.

Frosty the Snowman was a bunch of snow, formed loosely into the shape of a human, who came to life. Because he was snow, and because he didn’t have enough sense to come to life in the Antarctic, his days were numbered. When it came time to die, the children he had befriended abandoned him. They could have at least tried to put his head in a freezer or something, like Ted Williams. Instead, they did nothing.

If I was Frosty’s friend I would have followed him and watched him melt and then gathered his matter and turned him into ice cubes or used him in an aquarium or something. Anything besides letting him melt away into nothingness.

He was prone to singing and dancing, which I suspect was a cover to distract himself from what was coming. He must have been in so much pain, but he never broke that stone smile of his. If he teared up, or began to sweat from nervousness, it didn’t show. Any moisture he secreted would have frozen instantly. I imagine a microscope would have revealed miniature tear-icicles.

It’s not clear what made Frosty come to life in the first place. Maybe God, but it also could have been a witch or science experiment gone awry. Or maybe all snowmen are alive but Frosty was the only one who broke the code of silence. That would have made other snowmen angry, possibly jealous, but unable to retaliate.

There is a movie with Michael Keaton where he becomes some kind of absentee father/snowman. I’ve never seen it, but it seems very sad to me – to have your father be too cold to hug, and to have your tongue get frozen to him if you try to kiss him, depending on how you and your father kiss. Frosty never had this problem, because no one ever tried to kiss or hug him.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing horseradish.