THE EARWIG
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the earwig.
If you’re like me, you probably think an earwig is some type of small wig designed to wear on a human ear. This is not the case. Such an invention would be superfluous, since earmuffs already exist and are very similar.
Wigs exist only for the head and pubic region. Recently, scientists grew a human ear on a patient’s arm, so I suppose one could be grown on the top of the head, then if a conventional wig was worn, it would technically be an earwig. Until that happens, wigs for ears will not exist.
A true earwig is actually an insect. It’s long, with a bunch of legs, and at the end, where the butt should be, it has a large pair of pincers. This protects the earwig from anal rape.
The earwig could do a lot of things with its pincers that I’ve never seen it even try to do. It could drag around dead bugs to intimidate other bugs. The pincers could be used to create shadow puppets. That would be fun. Or the earwigs could stand on their ends and use the pincers to walk. I think this would help the earwig species evolve if they could learn to walk upright.
There are probably even more neat things earwigs could be doing with their pincers that I haven’t even thought of yet, but the point is, these bugs could be so much more. That the earwig does nothing much with its pincers is a huge disappointment. I don’t know why they even bother.
If I was an earwig I would walk backwards. That way all the other insects would think there was a monster coming. The danger with walking backwards would be that I might accidentally impale a friend or loved one (if earwigs have such relationships), and that would be tragic.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my neighbor’s car tires.
2 responses
I was always very scared of earwigs. There were earwigs at a sleep-away camp I went to when I was 11. Some of the kids were mean. They said that earwigs would crawl into your ear and hurt you with their pincers. Then they said that if the earwig crawled into your ear that you’d need to pour pee in your ear to make it come out! That made sleeping difficult.
So thank you for your review. I didn’t fully understand the scope of my earwig trauma until today. A weight has been lifted.
Dear Erica,
You’re welcome. My primary goal of reviewing the world is to educate.
Your Friend,
Ted
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