MOTHER’S DAY 2013
★★★★★ (0 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Mother’s Day 2013.
Since my mother passed away decades ago, Mother’s Day is just a reminder of what I’ve lost. I typically try to spend the entire 24 hours that comprise Mother’s Day asleep, so that it can pass me by. It’s actually quite difficult to sleep for 24 hours straight without having sustained some type of injury – and while I am accident prone, there’s no way to rely on an accident of appropriate severity occurring at just the right time. Sleeping pills are another solution, but it can be difficult to find the right balance between too few and too many.
That’s why this year I decided to try something new. For a reasonable fee I hired Truc, my neighbor’s dula, a Vietnamese woman willing to play the role of my mother for the day. I gave her a tablecloth I’d sewed into an old woman’s dress, and a powdered wig to make her appear older than me.
First, we went to my father’s grave, just like my mother and I used to do. Because he’s buried right next to my real mother, I had to block her grave out of my peripheral vision with my hand to keep from ruining the illusion that she was still alive.
Next we had lunch together, right along with all the other children and mothers in the restaurant. It was just like I was one of them! That is until we awkwardly ran into Truc’s real-life mother. At first I thought maybe it was a woman Truc had hired to play her mother, or my grandmother, or something. I didn’t know how to introduce myself, so I said, “I’m Ted and your daughter is my mother. Happy Mother’s Day!”
Things became very awkward and I began feeling very uncomfortable, so I took some sleeping pills and waited in the car.
Trying to put lunch behind me, I took my mother to pedal a swan boat through Boston Common, just like we always did since I was a child. Everything was going well until Truc accidentally fell overboard and drowned. I couldn’t believe that I had to see my mother die the same way twice. A pigeon flew off with the powdered wig as I watched and cried.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Kool-Aid Man.
