HIPPOS
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing hippos.
If you’ve never seen a hippopotamus (or “hippo” for when you’re in a hurry) in real life, you’re missing out. I should know – I’ve never seen one, so I know whereof I speak. I have seen videos and drawings and photographs in magazines, and once a cloud that strongly resembled part of a hippo, but never the real thing.
If you’ve never seen a hippopotamus at all, picture a rhinoceros but without any horns and generally chubbier. That’s a hippo.
Looking at a hippo is like looking back in time, to an era when we didn’t have color photographs, because hippos only come in black and white. Unless the hippo is bleeding for some reason, in which case the illusion is ruined.
Hippos live in Africa as well as many zoos around the world. Whenever I go to the zoo to see a hippo, something always gets in the way. I think the zookeeper, Mitch, might be purposely preventing me from seeing a hippo because of the time I donated a raccoon to the zoo while no one was looking. But someone was looking. Mitch.
Mitch knows how badly I want to see a real hippo but he always has some excuse, like the hippo exhibit is closed or they’re out of hippos or he would love to let me see the hippo if only there wasn’t an elephant standing in the way so maybe next time.
One time he took me to see a hippo and when we got there it was just a giraffe and he said that he thought that’s what I’d asked to see. I don’t like Mitch very much. If I ever get a hippo of my own I would let him see it as much as he wants because that’s how I am. It would be fun if we could let our hippos play together. Who knows, if they liked each other, maybe they could make more hippos.
Speaking of hippos having sex, did you know they only do it in the water? That’s why you should never drink from ponds near hippos.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Judaism.
