Ted Wilson Reviews the World #181


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing yawning.

Yawning is when your mouth forces itself open regardless of where you are and what you’re doing with it. A yawn can leave your mouth and throat vulnerable to any number of airborne threats, from moths to paper airplanes, or even a popped balloon falling to earth. The only time it may be in your favor to yawn is during a food fight, when your mouth could become the recipient of a Twinkie or other tasty treat.

For whatever reasons, bugs seem particularly attracted to my mouth, whether I’m yawning or not. I once woke up with ants all over my face. (It was because I’d fallen asleep with a mouth full of chocolate.) Because of this, I’m very reluctant to yawn.

I’ve been waiting years for someone to invent a yawn guard. My attempt failed and I almost choked to death. A yawn guard would basically be a thin mesh that attaches to the upper and lower teeth. When the wearer yawns, the net springs open, prohibiting entry to the mouth. This could also double as a kissing guard, for people who prefer not to French kiss. This would keep tongues both in and out of the mouth. It may impede speech, but true love doesn’t need words (or tongues).

Until this is invented, I’ve just been drinking as many energy drinks as I can, to try to prevent myself from getting tired enough to yawn. A lot of people have suggested that I simply cover my mouth with my hand when I yawn. I do this whenever possible, but there are any number of scenarios when this is impractical, such as while 1) boxing; 2) trapezing; 3) saving someone falling off a cliff; 4) tying both of your shoes at once; 5) being handcuffed by police. These are the times when a yawn-guard would be most needed.

Some people mistake yawning for being a sign of disinterest. Others – mostly perverts – mistake it as an invitation for fellatio.

Yawning doesn’t have to be all bad though. It can provide curious dentists with an opportunity to quickly assess a person’ dental health. If timed right, it can make eating popcorn a breeze. A photo of someone in mid-yawn can be doctored to make that person look like they’ve been decapitated and screaming, which is a great Halloween decoration.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Galápagos Islands.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →