Ted Wilson Reviews the World #186

MY NEW COLOGNE
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my new cologne.

At only $5.99 for 24 Fl oz., the new cologne from 7-11 sounds like too good of a deal to pass up. Especially when your body is producing some odors that you can’t seem to get rid of.

But here’s the catch: it’s not cologne, it’s perfume. But they don’t tell you that. The moment I opened the jar I knew it wasn’t cologne. It smelled so fruity and feminine, like a strawberry pony. I tried wearing some of it anyway because my attempt at brewing a homemade cologne earlier in the evening had gone so poorly.

The name Dancer’s D-lite, it’s very misleading. To me that sounds like a cologne, as if the odor would be a delight to dancers, who I typically think of as female. It was very poor branding.

Just after I splashed some around my worst smelling areas, I noticed that the expiration date had passed. Since it was no longer good as an odor, and since I’ve only known food products and medication – things that are meant to be ingested – to have expiration dates, I decided to have a taste. Only after ingesting some did I decide to Google search the product, where I discovered it may be some genetic manipulator for goat milk.

It turned out it didn’t taste so bad. And the odor matched the flavor exactly. I know this because I’ve eaten pony before. I’m not proud to have eaten pony, but what’s done is done and I’m not going to lie to you about it.

As a cologne, I simply can’t recommend this. As a beverage, the price is still a bit steep, but if you’re thirsty and there aren’t any other choices, then okay.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing hair.