ROCKING CHAIRS
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing rocking chairs.
The rocking chair is widely considered the second most dangerous chair, succeeded only by the electric chair. The La-Z-Boy comes in a close third.
With the rocking chair you run the risk of either being launched forward and landing on your face, or flipping over backwards and possibly breaking your neck. It’s dangerous and embarrassing. The entire point of a chair is stability, not the crazy back-and-forth uncertainty provided by a chair precariously balanced on two curved pieces of wood.
The only circumstance I can think of where a rocking chair would be enjoyable is if you have a servant to rock you back and forth. But if you’re going to do that, why not just do it in an adult-sized crib?
There are adults who like to pretend they’re babies by dressing up in diapers and having people change those diapers. That part doesn’t appeal to me, but getting into a crib and being rocked back and forth certainly does. Breast feeding might be fun too, but I haven’t done that in a long time and I’m not certain if my latching skills are as good as they used to be.
According to the government, rocking chairs don’t exist. When I cornered a local politician at the supermarket and demanded she tell me about rocking chairs, she said she didn’t know what I was talking about and had security escort me out.
Later, I felt bad for my “gotcha” question, so I followed up with several letters to give her time to respond without being put on the spot. She never responded. Nor did any other politician. I’m no conspiracy theorist but that seems like a definite cover up. Even the reporters I contacted were uninterested in this story.
Google is hard at work inventing cars that drive themselves. My hope is after they finish that, they get to work on rocking chairs that rock themselves. Then and only then would I consider sitting in one.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Powder.
