Ted Wilson Reviews the World #190


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Canada.

Most of the time I forget that Canada exists, but I was reminded of it this weekend when Glee star Cory Monteith passed away in Vancouver. He was a bright, charismatic, talented actor with great comedic timing, and his death is a tragic loss. If Canada never existed he might be with us today.

In some ways Canada is like the attic of America. It’s cold and mostly empty and even though it’s right there, no one really ever thinks to go into it. One major difference is that Canada doesn’t allow pornography, but most attics I’ve been in is where pornography is stored.

Since attics usually have ghosts in them, and Canadians are so friendly, Canada would be more like whatever attic Casper the Friendly Ghost lives in. And in that attic, Casper would have great health care and no guns. Although I suppose health care wouldn’t do him much good.

It’s a wonder anyone wants to leave Canada. When I see Canadian celebrities living it up in America, all I can think of is how they abandoned their country for fame. I’m never able to see the talents of people like Barry Pepper or Sarah McLachlan because I’m too blinded by their lack of patriotism.

Canada has produced a lot of celebrities, but most of it’s population isn’t famous at all. Have you ever heard of Dabisha Havenburgh? What about Neil Wallphomp? Neither have I. In fact, I can’t even verify that anyone with those names even exists. That’s how unfamous most Canadians are.

Even though Canada is a really big place, most of the citizens crowd together down near the U.S. border. I know it’s colder farther north, but it’s not like heaters and jackets don’t exist. Penguins have no problem living in the snow, so why not just make some jackets out of penguin skin? That stuff must be super warm.

It’s funny to me that more Canadians don’t try to sneak into America the way Mexicans do. I think it’s because of the walls we put up between us and Mexico. When you can’t have something it makes you want it more.

Canadian coins are so similar to American coins that they often wind up in my change. They are inferior to American coins in that vending machines will reject them. They are superior, however, in that they are magnetic. I think that’s caused by the North Pole or something.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing toothpaste.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →