Oops, I’m Sorry


Thank you all for coming here today. It is with a heavy heart that I admit to my colleagues, to my constituents, and to the public, that I did indeed do that thing I was accused of doing. Boy did I do it.

Yes, I did it, but I regret doing it. It was a moment of weakness. Several moments of weakness. In fact, I never wanted to do it at all. I mean, of course I wanted to do it a little. A lot, actually, because oh my god was it fun. But I didn’t want want to do it, you know? Or at least I didn’t want to get caught, because I knew that if I got caught, I would just feel awful for having been caught doing this thing that felt so good, and that makes it feel a little less good in the end.

Most importantly, I would like to apologize to my wife and family. Most of them didn’t even know that I did such things, or that I wanted to do such things, or that such things were even things. I mean, if you think about it, I’m pretty out there in terms of the things I like doing. I guess you could consider me a bit of a pioneer. Personally, not politically.

To my daughters, I want to say you should never, never, never do what I did. And if you ever date a man who wants to do that, understand that he is still an okay guy on the inside and you should cut him some slack. He’s just someone who likes to experience things on the edge of what most consider acceptable behavior and you shouldn’t judge him.

My wife, Deborah, has stood by me this entire time. At first, I assumed it was out of curiosity. Like, maybe she was interested to do what I did too, but when I suggested she try it, she got really red in the face and started crying. I said maybe that thing I did would make her feel better if she tried it just once, so she tried it, because she loves me, but it wasn’t for her after all.

It also occurs to me now that I should immediately apologize for having just outed my wife. The look on her face right now makes me realize that was a mistake what I just said. I was being so open with you all about everything that I forgot that part was a secret. Oops. Please don’t judge her for doing it. She wasn’t even very good at it, and she did it out of love and because I think she was a little confused. When I did it, it wasn’t for love at all, it was because of much darker things from my childhood. It was like a burning fire inside me that couldn’t be extinguished. Not that I’m making excuses. I’m just describing that energy I felt. That vivacity of life!

A lot of pundits have claimed this is the end of my career. To them I say, “Please stop saying that.” After all, look at Anthony Weiner, Chris Brown, or Steve Carell. Things happen, and then sometimes people just kind of forget. I’m hoping maybe that happens to me. I’m not hoping I forget, because right now all I have left are the memories of what I did, and I can kind of still almost feel it like I’m right there. What I mean is I’m hoping other people forget what I did and then they decide they’ll vote for me because why not?

A commenter on a news article asked, before turning his comment into a rant about America: If I did it once, what’s to stop me from doing it again? I’m not really sure what the answer is there. Fear of getting caught, I suppose. As I’ve been running all this through my head, over and over, trying to figure out how everything went so wrong, I think I was able to identify some key mistakes I made, not the least of which was that video. Don’t ever videotape anything, ever. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. And if you do end up videotaping something, when that video comes out, don’t claim that it’s your twin brother, because if you don’t have one, that’s really easy to disprove.

Anyway, I’ve gotten off track. If I could do this all over, would I? If I’m being honest, probably, yes. That might sound naïve but you obviously haven’t tried it. And if you want to try it, just let me know. I can offer a lot of tips and suggestions. Maybe a quick demonstration.

Thank you, and God bless.

Jon Adams (hisportfolio.com) is an illustrator and designer in San Francisco. He's made things for Wired, Chronicle Books, MTV, McSweeney's, Lucky Peach, and more. More from this author →