TOUPEES
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing toupees.
In my time as a professional reviewer, I’ve reviewed all types of wigs, from powdered wigs to earwigs. Long overdue are my thoughts on toupees.
If you have hair, you know how great it is. If you don’t have hair, then you really know what I’m talking about because you know how bad you yearn for it every day and every night. Some people want hair so badly, they’re willing to wear hair that clearly doesn’t belong to them.
As the history books tell it, toupees were first invented when a wig-maker made a wig for an insecure baby. The baby died before the wig was claimed, so it sat on a shelf for years until one day when a bald man who couldn’t afford an entire wig came in. The rest is history.
I can’t imagine how unconvincing the first toupees looked, especially given how unconvincing today’s look. Even the most expensive hairpieces are easy to spot.
Here’s a list of some celebrities who clearly wear toupees.
1. John Travolta
2. Conan O’Brien
3. Simon Cowell
4. Russell Brand
Instead of spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars on pretend hair, a simpler, cheaper, and more convincing solution is to wear one of those hats with a wig attached to the inside, and then never ever take the hat off. Some people don’t have the appropriately shaped head to be able to pull off a hat, so for them I suggest a ski mask. This solution works best for those residing in cold climates.
There are some who wear toupees for warmth, not vanity. I knew a man who had a full head of hair but liked the added comfort and protection of a toupee. To me this seemed greedy, knowing there are bald people out there who can’t afford toupees of their own. Myself for instance. That’s why I regrettably threw his toupee into the road in a fit of jealousy. I immediately apologized and started crying.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Oprah Winfrey.