FUNNY WOMEN #107: Lifetime Does the Classics


Greetings, Lifetime Movie Network (LMN) viewers! It’s been a big year for us. We’ve continued to produce top-notch films our viewers like you love. To celebrate our growing female fan base (99.98%!) we’re remaking some of the great classics–only this time the women are stronger, deadlier, and more passionate than ever.

Here’s a sneak peek at some of the movies you can expect to see/love in the coming months:

Anna Karenina Returns

Mr. Karenin and all of Russian society believe Anna committed suicide…when in reality she went rogue and fled the country. Fast-forward five years: Anna, now known as Frederica, lives sumptuously in Paris with Antonio, a mysterious and bearded Latin hombre with whom she has fervid sexcapades. When business brings Antonio to Russia, “Frederica” joins him, only to quickly learn that five years isn’t long enough to bury secrets. Frederica’s new life begins to unravel when both her ex-lover Alexei Vronksy and widower Alexei Karenin recognize her in Moscow. Can she escape in one piece and return to Paris with Antonio? Or will old flames and loose ends cause a train wreck…again? Rob Lowe makes an appearance as Stiva Oblonsky.


Man Park

Loosely inspired by Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, Man Park follows the story of a young nanny-in-training known only as Nanny Nice. Nanny has just completed her nanny certification program and, upon graduating first in her class, has been placed at the prestigious Sewell House on the corner of Park Ave and Mantel Road. Upon arriving and meeting her pupils–who happen to be six attractive boys–Nanny realizes she’s in over her head. When a sexual fire ignites between her and two of the boys, Nanny must choose among lust, love, and her career. But what happens when she discovers one of her beloveds is her cousin and the other has a dark criminal history? Prepare to hang onto Nanny’s every lesson. USA Today applauds, “It’s a movie.”

Jane Bares All

It was all passion in the beginning, but as the years continued, Mr. Rochester’s heart hardened like his stump for a hand. He was physically and emotionally blind to all of Jane’s desires and sexual needs. When Jane sees an advertisement in the paper for a portrait-modeling job, she answers immediately, hoping it will add meaning to her dull life. Jane’s new job innocently begins with simple poses in dresses; but as the artist begins to fall in lust with his muse, he demands more and more from Jane, including fewer and fewer articles of clothing. Soon, Jane finds herself as a nude model, exposing everything to a man other than her husband. Can Jane ever return to her old life at Thornfield Hall or will she succumb to the decadent yet alluring underworld of art? Entertainment Weekly says, “Gerard Butler plays…Mr. Rochester.”

Daisy Miller is a Killer

Daisy Miller was always known as a man-killer with her beautiful looks and flirtatious attitude. However, no man realized the riddle “Daisy Miller is a Killer’” was dead on. Though only 19, Daisy ensnares men in her trap, spitting them back out dead into the Seine. Things change when Daisy encounters a man named Fred in Switzerland. Fate pulls them together again a few weeks later in Italy. Though she immediately enchants Fred, his meddlesome aunt prevents Daisy from spending time alone with him. Tired of the game, she finds an Italian to quickly seduce and murder late at night near the Colosseum. The next night, she plans to finish her game with Fred at a party thrown by none other than Fred’s aunt! But when ghosts from Daisy’s past reappear, will she have time for one last kill? People magazine confirms, “It wouldn’t be a Jennifer Love Hewitt TV movie without ghosts.” Watch her shine in her sexiest role yet.

Lifetime_Daly1Close to the Bad Crowd

Beth Everdeen is the girl next door, but beauty has its price. When Beth moves to a new town to take over the family farm, she finds herself in a love square, with three men vying for her heart: the nice but boring Gabe, the old but rich Will, and the leather-wearing bad boy Troy. Looking for summer heat in all the wrong places, Beth falls into an entangled affair with Troy, the father of another woman’s love child. It takes a funeral, a shootout, and many tears for Beth to realize how far she’s fallen. Will she ever rise again and find love? Or is she destined to be only one of Troy’s many summer flings? This flick is sure to be the most watched television adaptation of Far from the Madding Crowd ever.*

*No other television adaptations of Far from the Madding Crowd have been released.


Check your local listings.


Rumpus original art by Annie Daly.


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Melissa Darcey is a writer and high school English teacher in San Diego, California. Her work has appeared in Aquifer, The Louisville Review, The Rumpus, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Nat. Brut, Columbia Journal, and elsewhere. More from this author →