MY WELCOME MAT
★★★★★ (0 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my welcome mat.
Months ago someone stole the welcome mat from my front porch. Or possibly they mistook it for their own. I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Whoever it was, I hope he or she is putting it to good use and making people feel welcome.
I noticed a steep decline in visitors to my home after my mat was taken. I suspect people who would have otherwise felt welcome to ring my doorbell turned and left when they didn’t see any invitation.
It was clearly time to invest in a new welcome mat. What I did was take an ordinary welcome mat and enhance it to make it easier to spot from the road, but also more difficult to steal. To begin, I glued the mat to my porch. Then, to reinforce it, I nailed it in place with a series of 36 nails running along the perimeter. To catch people’s attention, I spray painted it orange.
While the orange stood out, I realized it also looks like the color of a construction zone, and could appear to be more of a warning than an invitation. Especially since I accidentally painted over the word “welcome.” I tried scrubbing off some of the paint but it was too difficult. Instead, I made cardboard letters to spell out “Hello and welcome to Ted’s house, friend!”
Not to brag but it was easily the best welcome mat on the block. That is, until Barbara Holmes down the street adorned her front step with what is honestly a pretty stunning welcome mat. It depicts several herons flying in front of a sunset. Gorgeous. In comparison to her professionally crafted mat, mine looks pathetic.
My visitor numbers didn’t increase and those who did stop by never even complimented my welcome mat. A lot of people seemed to step right over it like they were scared of it. The worst part was when my new mailman asked if I’d seen Barbara’s welcome mat and said how great it was. I knew he was right but that was the last straw. The second he left I tried to destroy my mat. Unfortunately it was impossible to move. I tore the letters off and then just covered it with a pile of sand. I’ll never try to make another welcome mat again.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a refrigerator.
