FLAMETHROWERS
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing flamethrowers.
A flamethrower is a gun that shoots fire instead of bullets. It’s basically halfway between a regular gun and a laser gun. Dragons are nature’s flamethrowers, except they don’t exist, so technically I guess they’re man’s flamethrowers, but try not to confuse them with the more mechanical flamethrowers I’m referring to.
Flamethrowers are perfect for all the obvious uses, such as starting fires at campsites, lighting lots of cigarettes at once, or quickly disposing of objectionable books. But there’s another use for flamethrowers use which no one ever seems to mention: firearm (no pun intended) replacement.
With all the controversy over guns these days, a flamethrower seems like a good compromise that would make both sides happy. Gun enthusiasts could still shoot things but the limited range makes it hard to shoot people who are too far away. The size of a flamethrower also makes it almost impossible to conceal.
Furthermore, the sheer bulk of a flamethrower makes carrying it around quite a commitment. It wouldn’t be so easy to strap to a leg or slip into a purse. This would eliminate a lot of the more casual or accidental shootings.
Criminals would appreciate a flamethrower because no bullets are left behind as evidence in a murder. To detectives it would look like spontaneous combustion. A bullet hole makes such claims difficult to substantiate.
There’s a downside to flamethrowers. They waste a lot of oxygen. Fire requires oxygen in order to burn, and with the rainforests being cut down, oxygen is becoming more and more scarce. If someone were to invent a flamethrower that burned using carbon dioxide, that person would be poised to make millions.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a burp.
