FUNNY WOMEN #111: About Our Impending Nuptials


Dear Cumin Touch Catering Company:

Hello there! My fiancé and I are currently in search of a full-service caterer for our impending nuptials. I understand your company has a wonderful reputation in the area, and I would like to learn more about how you might make our special day a real dream come true, or die trying.

We would like something tasteful, elegant, modern, luxurious, artsy, classy, chic, and original, but also with a bit of simple lightness and a homey, retro feel. And also some danger. Actually, danger could be our theme: we want our guests to be very excited and happy to be there, of course, but also just a little afraid. You know that kind of butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, the kind you might get before giving a big speech? Or perhaps that feeling like when you’re about to parachute out of a helicopter, behind enemy lines someplace terribly inhospitable, on what your commanding officer has basically categorized as a “suicide mission”? That.


The wedding location is yet to be determined, but I’m hoping your catering service also comes with venue recommendations. We want someplace that is timeless. I was thinking that the best way to do this would be either 1) an antigravity chamber so that we can say our love was conceived and consummated in a vacuum, literally; or 2) a panic room with no clocks or observable exits; or 3) a long shot: the North Pole, because technically, that spot doesn’t spin like the rest of the world, so it is timeless. I think. The wedding date, which has been ceremonially written in our mingled blood over the entryway to our apartment, will be November 20, 2020. You’d think we have lots of time, but there’s so much to arrange.

I’ve already begun seven different Pinterest boards of toenail styles for the big day (French pedicure or Scottish Dagger Toes—so many decisions!). I’ve currently got a few different mood boards you should take a look at too, titled: Brooding, Ennui, Miami Vice, and Rapture. I’ve learned that the mise-en-scène is vital, and right now we’re torn between rustic Generalissimo-led Spain or fiery Reichstag fanfare. You might think they are similar, but I’m used to hearing that a lot from people who don’t really love their country. As a wedding planner you must have seen the boards devoted to the various reincarnations of soiled vintage underwear as veils? And just FYI: I’m still tinkering with my Fun with Teeth board.


As for decorations and table settings: think hipster hobo flair meets the chic style sense of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And I’m talking the original Roe v. Wade Ginsburg, not the current Ginsburg who has suggested the ruling lacks judicial restraint. Also, I want strobe lights for the ceremony and the highest-capacity LED floodlights you have for dinner and dancing. Everyone needs to be incredibly visible at all times, especially the table of arsonists and kleptomaniacs. I want flower arrangements that look edible but are in fact not edible. The silverware should have detailed filigree that reminds each guest of their own individual childhoods as well as their deepest, evilest secrets.

I should mention straightaway that we have some dietary restrictions. My fiancé, Hank, is actually a vat full of napalm. Given the highly corrosive nature of his “flesh,” it will be important to keep in mind that any cuisines that interact poorly with mixtures of polystyrene and benzene might adversely react with his gelatinous torso. So, obviously, you can forget about glutens. And you should definitely instruct your staff for the event that they should not, at any point, look at the guests, because there is a very high potentiality for spontaneous combustion/vaporization. During the cocktail and hors d’oeuvres hour, it would be best for servers to wear the type of gloves you often see falconers wear, or, for a more authentic feel, perhaps they could wear chainmail? That reminds me, your servers have at least a conversational grasp of the Gaelic language, correct?

We would also like a themed cocktail tailored to our exact personalities. It must include lychee, anchovy paste, and of course, Pharrel’s Qream. We’re still debating the wedding favors: do we want to use a T-shirt cannon to release Mason jar Molotov doves or hissing swans?

We have a very tight budget, so please note that we will only, AT MAXIMUM, be able to give you about $111.66, as well as highly realistic night terrors for a lifetime and our second-born pile of goo.

Best wishes,


Rumpus original art by Annie Daly.


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Michelle Lipinski took the tea party to the bedroom in her last Funny Women column, and she's still got the rash to prove it. She now lives in San Francisco and is probably the only one who uses the word "bootstrapping" and actually just means wearing hiking boots. More from this author →