Ted Wilson Reviews the World #212

BEYONCÉ
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Beyoncé.

Beyoncé is a famous singer. I’m not sure how her name is pronounced but in my head I pronounce it with all the consonants silent which I think sounds really pretty and exotic. It means “beyond once,” which implies that she has a twin baby possibly much like Elvis had a twin at birth.

Speaking of babies, Beyoncé recently made one with her husband Jay-Z Jeff, the former sidekick of former rapper Will Smith. Having someone who is half Beyoncé means we have 1.5 Beyoncés in the world which makes the meaning of her name eerily prescient.

Beyoncé just released a new album and it has received a lot of attention because of its groundbreaking format which has reinvented music. Instead of being a record that spins on a turntable, it is a type of Internet music combined with some Internet videos. I don’t know how she thought of that, but I’m sure that when she came to her band with the idea, they must have been very excited to be included in her concept.

She doesn’t know how to play any instruments, except of course for the best instrument there is: her voice. The only other person who can play her voice would be someone with a recording of her voice, or if there were some sort of magic ventriloquist who used humans instead of dummies.

My internet connection is too slow to experience the new Beyoncé album at home, so I had to listen to it at the library. Because they have a lot of rules about noise at the library, I had to keep the volume very low and press my ear up against the speaker. I’ll be honest, I didn’t like what I heard. It was pleasant enough but kind of boring.

I have been a fan of Beyoncé’s ever since I saw a picture of her. Her music is normally very catchy and makes me dance in new ways I didn’t know I could. There was no dancing this time. Because of her success and fame, it seems unlikely that she could put so much work into something and have it not be very good. That’s how I knew my opinion must be wrong.

In a desperate attempt to change my opinion, I decided to listen to the album on repeat for several hours hoping it would take. When the library closed I had to hide in the bathroom ceiling until everyone was gone (my apologies to the woman I accidentally watched pee) and I kept listening. Still, the album didn’t sound very compelling.

I regretted not bringing a snack because there are no snacks in the library and I got very hungry around 3 a.m. I tried dancing anyway, like one might try to jumpstart a car by pushing it. Still nothing. If anyone reading this has any suggestions of how I can change myself, please let me know.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing sandwiches.