MY PAPERBOY
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my paperboy.
Most people get their news from the internet or television. My news comes from Joshua, my paperboy. Not only does he deliver the news right to my door, he opens the door and brings the news to my kitchen. For an extra $5.00 he reads the news to me while I make myself breakfast. It’s a great time-saver!
Because Joshua is only ten, he mispronounces a lot of words especially the names of foreign leaders. If I correct him he gets very defensive.
The time he had to read me a story about an old man who murdered his paperboy was very awkward. I tried to reassure Joshua by immediately grabbing all the knives to put them away and show I’m no threat, but he screamed and ran and locked himself in the closet. I had to call his mom to come get him.
He complains that none of the articles are about Minecraft, and also they are too long. I allow him to skip from story to story reading only one paragraph at a time to help break up the monotony. As long as he eventually reads the whole paper it’s fine by me. Sometimes he’ll accidentally read the same paragraph twice.
Joshua gets most excited when he reaches the comics section. Marmaduke is his favorite part of the paper. He loves how big that dog is. It’s hilarious. Joshua’s second favorite comic is Beetle Bailey. The horoscopes scare him because he was raised to fear the occult.
By the end of the paper Joshua’s hands are covered in newsprint so I don’t allow him to touch anything in my home. I have a pair of mittens set aside for him to wear if he needs to use the washroom.
Having a personal paperboy requires a level of trust. I have no way of knowing whether he’s reading the actual news or simply making things up. Because Joshua doesn’t seem to be a very creative child or capable of much independent thought, I assume he’s not making anything up. Which is why it was so shocking when the news broke about the dragon they discovered in Gotham City.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing asparagus.
